08/01/97

Stepparents Given a Bad Name

The story of Cinderella has given stepparents a bad name. The ugly stepmother treats Cinderella like dirt and her two haughty daughters like entitled heiresses. The three of them are a greedy lot, contemptuous of dutiful, kind Cinderella. The ugly stepmother lusts after the king's riches which she is sure she can get her hands on by finagling an engagement and marriage between one of her daughters and his son.

Where does this story leave stepparents in real life? That 'ugly' modifier haunts them. There is bound to be something evil about a stepparent, the kids think. In truth, being a stepparent is to live in "no man's land". You can't discipline the kids because "You're not my Dad! ... You're not my Mom!" If you have kids of your own, then "You love them more than you love me!" chant the stepchildren. If you truly love your second spouse, "You're trying to take my Mom / Dad away from us!" You can't win.

The divorce and remarriage rates have been so high in the last thirty years, that it is probably fair to say that nearly every family has at least one or two stepparents, most of whom are eager to mend fences, love their blended family members, and hope for continued, genuine bonds between their stepchildren and their original parents. These blood bonds are sacrosanct. No adult wants to see children suffer rejection from their biological parents, and would only interfere if that parent were mistreating his or her child.

Personally, I am very thankful that my Dad finally remarried after living alone for nearly 20 years following my mother's death. I tried for years to match him up with divorced or widowed friends, to no avail. He is such a fine, vibrant person with so much to offer as a companion and mate. I never could understand why women weren't chasing him! Maybe they were and he just wasn't ready to get caught!

Now he has a fantastic partner. They have been together through thick and thin for over ten years and have put tremendous energy into loving each of their many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. It hasn't always been easy to blend our families at reunions, but over the years we have grown steadily closer, less wary and protective, and more accepting and caring toward one another.

Will you share your stepparenting experiences with other readers? I hope you will take the risk, because our children can learn to set aside their suspicions and fears of new adult "intruders" in their families if we, their parents and role models, can.

I know from personal experience as a stepparent, that the "ugly stepparent" fairy tale archetype is present, damaging, and unfortunate. My stepchildren have been grappling with it for years, and only now, as adults themselves, can love me for who I am, rather than as a caricature of fiction. Thank goodness!

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.