08/15/97

Abuses of Trust

Abuses of trust curdle my blood. There are people who abuse children who trust them. Innocent children. The excuses sound like this: "I couldn't stand to hear her whine for one more second." "He broke my glasses; I had to teach him a lesson." "She likes it when I touch her in secret places; it makes her giggle." "He knows I get mad when he begs for things, but he keeps right on begging." "It is the quickest way to end their screaming tantrums."

Every day, it seems, I read about another child abuse atrocity. Recently there was a report in the paper about a foster mother who was accused of forcing a girl in her care to stay in an icy bathtub until her temperature dropped to 69 degrees. The girl lost consciousness and nearly died.

Taking care of children is far from easy. On the nights when a child fusses and cries, keeping everyone awake, caretakers can feel ready to explode from exhaustion and irritation. But is it the cranky child's fault they feel that way? A ten hour, bumpy plane ride can produce identical feelings, so how 'bout we just blow it out of the sky? How absurd. Yet some people who manage to grin and bear the plane ride, return home and whack their kids for spilling milk at the dinner table.

Every person can decide never to hit a child again ... ever ... under any circumstances. It's a decision I made many years ago after spanking my son and daughter once out of sheer frustration with their incessant bickering. I felt terrible about hitting them. I never did it again. Making that decision freed me from vulnerability to their shenanigans. I was never even close to being mad enough to lash out again, because it was no longer an option. Furthermore, I did not lose my authority or their respect; I gained more of both.

But spanking is a time-honored form of discipline which teaches children to obey rules and respect authority, right? Wrong. Spanking teaches children about aggression, fear, and abuses of power. It teaches them nothing about respect. Remember that the abused often become abusers themselves.

Sexual urges repeatedly prompt abuses of innocent children. They are not asking for it. Children trust us because we are older and wiser; they depend on us to protect them. When a child wants your lap or your comforting arms, her invitation to you is to love, protect, and reassure her. To satisfy sexual urges in that context is a crime, punishable by imprisonment. That's how revolting our society finds it.

If you or someone you know loses emotional or physical control with children, there is help as close as a phone call away to stop it. It takes courage to call a neighbor or friend, brother or sister, aunt or cousin, minister or priest, parent or grandparent, therapist or doctor, hotline or family care agency to ask for help. There is no greater gift you can give a child than predictable, unshakable trust in you.

How do you think child abuse can be stopped?

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.