03/06/98

The Language of Silence

Listen to the language of silence. It speaks volumes between uncommunicative spouses.

"Honey, what would you like for dinner tonight?"

"Mumble, mumble."

Silence: He' s so annoying. We get home from work; I offer to make dinner; and he falls asleep. Well I'm hungry now!

At 8:00 p.m. honey wakes up. "Hey, I'm famished. Where's my dinner?"

"Gosh, when I asked you what you wanted two hours ago, you never answered. I figured you weren't hungry, so I fixed myself something." "You did what?"

It can even discipline kids.

"Cathy, don't forget to clean your room." "Groan."

Silence: I'm sick of nagging her about that pigpen. I wonder how long she can stand it.

Three days later. "Has anyone seen my math book?"

"The last time I saw it, it was in your room."

"How am I supposed to find it in there? The place is a mess!"

Silence: It's about time!

The next day. "I got an "F" on my math test."

"That's terrible, Cathy. Math is your favorite subject. How did that happen?"

"I didn't clean my room."

Silence: I think she got the message.

Later that night. "Wow, look at this place. It looks fantastic! Did you find your math book?"

"Yup," proudly, "and my volleyball, frisbee, best jeans, favorite lipstick and two dollars I thought I lost!"

"Hey, that's great, honey."

It's absolutely symphonic with teen-agers.

"Dad, can I borrow the car?"

"Sure, Jason. It needs gas though."

"O.K."

Slam. Later that night. Rrrrrrring! "Dad, this is Jason. I ran out of gas."

"Uh-huh."

Silence: Why does he have to learn everything the hard way? He's just like I was at his age. "Dad?"

"Uh-huh."

"Did you hear me? I ran out of gas!"

"Uh-huh."

"Can you come and get me?"

"In what?"

"Oh yeah, I have the car. Never mind, I'll handle it."

I don't think most people realize how powerful silence can be. Or how respectful. When you ask someone a question and wait for a response, your silence says, "I want to know what you think. I value your opinion. Without your input, this conversation can't go on."

Watch children relax under the "golden" touch of silence. It takes time for a child to formulate her thoughts. She is often unsure of herself and may say, "I don't know," just to give her time to think. When she does that, try saying, "O.K. I'll get back to you later on that one." Silence: She looks so relieved! Often, before you get back to her, she will come to you, eager to share her ideas.

Intimacy thrives on silence. Sharing deeply held emotions can feel vulnerable and ... bare. It's so scary that some people cry, even when expressing profound joy. The impulse is to babble reassurances, when a soft, holding silence breathes acceptance into the moment and lets it be.

Silence: I quietly await your thoughts.

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.