07/23/99

Interracial Adoption

Stephanie and her husband Eliot raised three children; a biological daughter and two black sons, both adopted in infancy. In the interview that follows, Stephanie speaks candidly about some of the unique challenges she and her interracial family have encountered over the years.

Beth: Why did you decide to adopt children? And why black children?

Stephanie: I began to consider it in 1962 when I wrote a paper in high school about interracial adoption. The country was in the midst of the Civil Rights Movement and the eloquent Martin Luther King was urging us toward nonviolence and peaceful coexistence. In my research for this paper, I learned about many black children in need of homes. I remember thinking, "Almost any couple can have children of their own, but there are so many children born every day who have no loving parent to raise them."

In college I met and married Eliot, a man who shared many of my views about racial injustice in the US. We knew we would have no trouble loving an adopted child as much as one born to us. We didn't consider children of other races or ethnic groups because we were so aware of the need for homes for black children in our area.

Beth: How did you arrange for the adoptions?

Stephanie: We adopted both boys through agencies. Our first son, Eric, was two months old when we brought him home; five years later we adopted seven-month-old Greg. When we adopted Greg, the agency social workers were against adopting across racial lines, but we convincingly argued that since we were already a mixed-race family, Greg would fit right in.

And he did.

Beth: What was your daughter's reaction to her adopted brothers?

Stephanie: Mary was two when we adopted Eric and seven when we adopted Greg. She was excited with the arrival of each new brother. It felt normal to her to grow up in an interracial family. When her friends asked questions she explained adoption to them. They often talked about doing the same when they grew up. Later on, when Eric started having problems, the whole family had to cope with some tough times. Mary and Eric, now in their twenties, are not close, but she and Greg do better at trying to maintain regular contact.

Beth: What questions have the boys asked about their adoptions? Has either one of them sought contact with his biological parents?

Stephanie: For many years the boys didn't have many questions. Eliot and I started talking with the boys about their adoption before they could even understand the full meaning of it. They never seemed outwardly troubled or even very curious about it. I believe they felt safe at home, in the boundaries of their small child world. But when they had to venture forth more on their own, they were confronted with prejudice and felt confused by it.

At age 18, Eric met his biological mother; and Greg, at age 20, began a search for his parents, but the adoption agency has closed records, so he has come up against a stone wall. While the fact of their adoption has definitely had an effect on the boys' sense of self, growing up in an interracial family has probably affected them even more. I think the awareness of being given up by one's biological parents is difficult for all adoptees. That sense of rejection never totally leaves them. As they reached adolescence, the question of "Where do I fit in?" became even stronger, resulting in varying degrees of acting out behavior and feelings of alienation and low self-esteem.

Beth: Tell me about some of the greatest pleasures and, by contrast, some of the greatest heartaches raising children of different races.

Stephanie: There have been countless pleasures and heartaches being the parent of adopted children. The early years were filled with joy and pride as we saw these delightful babies grow and mature into preadolescence. Eliot and I had been so right in knowing that we could love our adopted sons every bit as much as our biological daughter.

But I believe we were mistaken in our youthful optimism that our love and support would be enough to equip our sons for facing the world outside of our family. All adolescents struggle with ego development and independence issues, but as adopted children this seemed harder for Eric and Greg. As for their race, prejudice is everywhere, and much of a child's life experience is in the world outside the home. It's been tough for us to see the effects of this and realize that perhaps we could have done more to help our sons develop the strength to face it.

Beth: Addressing the identity issue, Jane Wolff, author and herself the adoptive mother of an African-American boy, wrote, "Becoming black is an inside job - my son's job. I can help by bringing black friends and customs and even props into our lives, but Ari's evolution into a proud black man will occur largely outside the walls of our home. And most of his growing, I'm convinced, will happen well beyond the reach of my loving white arms." Do you agree with Ms. Wolff on that, Stephanie?

Stephanie: Yes, I do. Both of my sons will come to terms with their racial identity in their own way, as well as with their feelings about being adopted. I sometimes think of the adopted child as an empty pitcher that no amount of love can fill with enough confidence for that child to feel worthy and complete. I know there are no guarantees for any parent who takes on the awesome task of raising a child; and parents of adopted children assume even more risk, magnified still further with adopted children of different races, native languages, cultures or physical needs. Yet given the choice, I would accept those risks all over again. I love Eric and Greg with all my heart and cannot imagine my life without them.

Author's Note: The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (NAIC) has published an article, "Adoption and the African-American Child: A Guide for Parents," which may be of interest to you and others who are considering interracial adoption. The article is posted on the NAIC website.

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.