01/28/2000

Proud Grandparents

One of the many bonuses of living longer, healthier lives is the chance to be an active grandparent. Helping to raise children a second time, equipped with the wisdom gained from the first, casts a whole new light on the experience. My friends, Bobbie and Dick, live one town away from their grandchildren, whom they see and care for frequently. They agreed to answer a few of my questions about some of the unique aspects of grandparenting and to talk about what this remarkable intergenerational bond with their grandchildren means to them.

BETH: What are some of the differences you've noticed between parenting and grandparenting?

BOBBIE and DICK: We feel more tuned in to the emotional needs of our grandchildren than when we were parents, too much in the thick of careers and daily minutia. We now have the luxury of lavishing attention on them and letting the parents (our kids) do the routine, daily caretaking jobs. Grandparents are often accused of "spoiling" their grandchildren, but we do not believe a child can be "spoiled" by too much love, or even loved too much. In fact, we wish we had been able, when we were younger parents, to give more undivided attention to our own kids, instead of brief interludes when our busy lives permitted. We don't spend that much more time with our grandchildren, (often less than 2 or 3 hrs per week), but when we do, they usually have our undivided attention. They know it and love it. That's why they are always happy to visit, or have us visit them -- because we give them attention on their level, rather than ignore them for adult conversation. Sometimes we may let them dominate our activity or routine, in our attempt to make the most of our time together. But they will be this age only once, and grow so fast into more "adult" worlds and desire for companionship among peers, rather than with their elders, that we can justify such attention.

BETH: What are some of your favorite activities with your grandchildren?

BOBBIE and DICK: Besides the usual stuff like having meals, or occasional eating out -- whether at the dairy queen or the pizza parlor, we've invented lots of car games we play during the half hour ride to and from their house. Our granddaughter Emily, age 8, makes up word games like, "Who made mom?" (Grandma); "Who made grandma?" (Greatgrandma); "Who made God?" (You answer that one.)

Another word game she likes involves guessing what things are from clues, sort of like 20 questions. For example, she might say, "I am an animal with two legs." If we can't get the answer from the first clue, she'll add one more piece of information.

She also loves to invent dialogues, made up during pretend play. When she asks someone to play with her, often it means only sitting to provide an audience for her improvised stories. We also enjoy playing familiar card games (Uno is her favorite), make-believe with Bobbie's newly acquired American Girl doll, Felicity, creating small cities out of blocks and Matchbox cars; drawing favorite figures, coloring, painting, baking, and even playing at washing dishes in the sink, or taking a bath at Grandma's.

With our newest grandchild, Oliver, now about l6 months old, we also play with blocks, putting them into and taking them out of a bucket or box and "reading" books (he loves to turn the pages). He also responds to praise and "applause" when he does something like put all the pieces where they go.

One ritual he loves is to run to each of us, between outstretched arms, to be swept up and hugged and set down to do it again and again. (Why do older kids and "adults" have to outgrow such honest expressions of affection?) Another of Oliver's favorites is checking out the cupboards he can reach, even trying to open the refrigerator or pick up the grille at its bottom.

Each grandchild has a repertoire of activities to run through every time they visit. And if they cannot do everything in their repertoire, they get frustrated. (Emily thinks she should have time to send e-mail, play with Felicity, the American Girl doll, play on the ancient swing set in the yard, and make a "soup" concoction in the bathtub during every visit.)

Even Oliver has a routine he must run through, to get the expected response. When he picks up something he shouldn't--like a videotape-and we say, "No," he smiles and shakes his head "no", without having to talk. At this stage, he doesn't really need to talk. His body language, facial expression, and gleeful laugh are all he needs to get along very well.

We suppose that attempting to pass along our value system through discussions may qualify as an activity. Certain words or actions are not OK. Emily knows, for example, that we don't find Angelica from "Rugrats" a good role model because of her dishonesty, meanness toward siblings and violent behavior.

BETH: What, if any, are the negative aspects of grandparenting?

BOBBIE and DICK: It's occasionally very tiring, especially after a busy day, or when both are demanding attention simultaneously, and Bobbie is trying to get supper on the table. Emily is often a non-stop talker and demands full attention from the listener. (At other times, she is totally self-absorbed and needs no one to attend her.) Caring for grandchildren can be physically tiring, just keeping up, picking up, following around, listening to, and "roughhousing." There are also disappointments when we may want to do something special with them that doesn't fit into their parents' schedule, so we have to take a rain check. There's a need to be flexible and diplomatic in negotiations with the parents (our own kids)!

BETH: What happens when you and the parents disagree on discipline?

BOBBIE and DICK: Discipline isn't usually a problem for us with our grandchildren. Their parents can't believe that Emily is so good with us; if anything, she is more hyper when her parents are around, or when we visit her at her house, than when she is at ours.

If a problem develops, such as getting too rough or loud, then we talk it out. We never need to impose a "time out," or use stronger discipline, such as verbal scolding. We view "spanking" as a betrayal of parent/child mutual respect and love, and avoid it altogether. (That is not to say that physical restraint is never needed, as when in a crowd or crossing a road.)

We have good communication with our son, so in the case of our granddaughter, he and our daughter-in-law are comfortable with our discipline, we think. Perhaps, they feel we "spoil" her by catering to her wishes sometimes.

BETH: Do you have a favorite story or anecdote to share with us about one or both of your grandchildren?

BOBBIE and DICK: Our granddaughter, Emily, is unique, we think, in her ability to relate to people of all ages, but especially to the elderly, probably owing to her mother's taking her to the exercise group she conducts with senior citizens. When she walks through the local village, all the elderly recognize her by name; she knows them all.

Recently, when we accompanied a small group of girls from 4H and girl scouts to go caroling at the homes of several elderly village residents, Emily was immediately recognized by one of them as we went inside her kitchen out of the cold. The woman inquired about Emily's new younger brother and marveled at how much she had grown.

But when Emily approached the old woman and gave her a hug, this gesture from an eight year old, a non-family member, was so unexpected, so spontaneous and sincere, the woman was quite overcome by it, and held on tight, her tears coming. This was the holiday spirit personified and manifest, in a child and an old woman, whose day was surely made glad by a simple gesture. As grandparents, our hearts swelled with pleasure and pride in our granddaughter's kindness.

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.