08/10/2001

SNET reader and parent, Kate Walton, offered to write a two-part article about her experiences and personal research on going through a divorce. Kate offers these ideas as her opinions only, for your thought and consideration.

The Emotional Effects of Divorce - Part One
By Kate Walton

Recently I began doing research on the emotional effects of divorce because a close friend of mine is going through one. Having gone through a divorce myself many years ago, I thought I knew about all the emotional pain she was in, but I did not. I guess time does heal the pain. As I began my research, I discovered that a person goes through many different emotions and each one serves a valuable purpose through the grieving process. Yes, you do grieve the loss of the relationship, no matter what the circumstances were. My research has led to this two-part article. I hope that people who are going through a divorce might find some solace in these words. In Part One, I discuss denial, desperation, and sadness/depression. In Part Two, I will explore anger and acceptance.

Be kind to yourself during this emotional time and remember that there are people out here who care.

Denial

If you feel you are in denial about your impending divorce, you are not alone. Denial is a transitional emotion that many people go through when faced with such a major life choice. Do not be too hard on yourself, as this is a "normal" reaction. Here is why.

Denial can be the most potent emotion associated with divorce. Denial might be viewed as unhealthy or precarious, when, in fact, it is quite normal. Surprisingly, it is necessary when coming to terms with a divorce. Denial may temporarily suppress an overload of emotions that can build up during this trying ordeal. However, denial brings only temporary relief from dealing with and confronting reality and the string of emotions that follow. Although it is not easy, you must believe in yourself and know that others do, too.

Signs of denial:

• Not preparing for the divorce.
• Not seeking counsel or legal advice.
• Thinking this is just a phase and that he/she will be back
• Thinking in the couple mode even if your partner has moved out.

Laurie J Metzger, MSW, LCSW and psychotherapist from Bristol, Conn., says, "We use denial as a coping mechanism and it is all well and good; only when we take it to the extreme does it become problematic. It is an emotion that helps us to the next step. There are, indeed, various emotions that one goes through, and all very necessary when one is going through a divorce. I see divorce as parallel to death and dying, in that one must go through a grieving process.

Desperation

The word "desperation" makes my heart ache. It conjures up memories of that awful pain associated with the feelings that desperation brings. You tell him/her that you will change anything.everything that needs to be changed so you can make him/her happy again. It is a heart wrenching feeling when desperation sets in, and I think it is the most painful. At this point I believe both people feel the pain, the one who is asking for that one last chance and the one who says, "No." If they give that one last chance it often does not last for long, because the issues that brought the relationship to the brink of divorce are frequently still there. Even though it hurts now, the pain will subside with time and you will find the strength to move ahead.

Desperation is also a normal part of the grieving process, as long as it does not go too far. When I say "too far" I mean obsessing about getting him/her back. Obsession is very unhealthy; it consumes your whole life. If you feel like you are obsessing, you should talk to a professional counselor to help you work through it.

Signs of obsessing: Constantly thinking of new ways you can get him/her back, thinking irrationally, friends tell you in all honesty that you are obsessing.

Sadness/Depression

You may feel unworthy, fat, ugly or just nonexistent. Other times you cry, have a hard time sleeping or want to stay in bed all day. These are signs that sadness/depression is setting in. At this stage, you turn all of your feelings inward, including blame. "If only I had done this . if I had not done that. this is all my fault." These are not unique emotions; actually, they are quite common under the circumstances and are yet another part of the grieving process.

Acknowledge what you are feeling and accept that these are emotions that most people go through at a time like this, as long as you do not feel like hurting yourself or others. If you feel you would like to hurt yourself or someone else, please seek professional help immediately. As normal as most of these feelings are, hurting yourself or someone else is not normal.

Depression should not last very long and you can grow through it. However, if it is interfering with everyday life, you might want to talk with someone about it, a friend, or a counselor, someone you feel comfortable with. Life is full of difficulties; you can learn from this and grow during this time. Hold onto hope; there are better tomorrows.

Signs of significant depression: Thoughts of hurting yourself or others, inability to concentrate, overwhelming sadness, weight loss and insomnia. If you have any of these symptoms your depression may be severe and you should consider seeking professional help. We all need to accept help from time to time.

Next Week: The Emotional Effects of Divorce: Part 2 - Anger and Acceptance

Links:

Comprehensive listings about divorce

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.