08/17/2001

Divorce -- Part 2

This is the second in a two-part series about the emotional effects of divorce. SNET reader and parent, Kate Walton, offered to write these two articles about her experiences and personal research about this complex and difficult journey. Kate offers these ideas as her opinions only, for your thought and consideration. (Link to Part 1.)

The Emotional Effects of Divorce - Part Two
By Kate Walton

I would like to begin Part 2 of this article by saying: You will survive your divorce, although it can be a long and difficult road that lies ahead. Look for support from family and friends to help you get through. I like to think that I am helping my friend as she now travels this road, and I hope she knows I will always be here for her. Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do as friends or family is just listen, not offering advice but a sympathetic shoulder instead. The emotions I will be discussing are anger and acceptance.

Anger

We all experience anger in our lives, but when pertaining to a divorce it can become distorted, because there are so many emotions happening all at once. Anger can be healthy; it can motivate us to get things done that need to be done at this time. Perhaps it is getting a job, if you need one, or filling out the innumerable forms and paperwork that are a necessary part of the divorce process.

Anger should be released in a healthy manner. It is a normal emotion to go through when faced with divorce. Your task in dealing with anger, is to acknowledge and accept the feelings of anger you have toward him/her and others, but at the same time be aware that acting on your anger by retaliating can hurt you, your spouse and your children. Therefore, I suggest that you avoid retaliation. I know this can be very difficult, but especially if you have children, know that it will hurt them more than it will hurt your spouse.

The anger will pass and you will be on your way to acceptance and moving forward with your life.

Acceptance

"I don't want to get divorced, but I know it is going to happen whether I like or not. I will find the strength to get through this. I'll make it. My marriage is over."

This is the thought process of acceptance. You may not like what is happening one bit, but you are now accepting it. Now you might be ready for your family, friends and co-workers to know that you are going through a divorce.

Acceptance is difficult, and it hurts, but often it can be liberating. You are now capable of carrying out the tasks at hand. You are thinking rationally and logically. You are able to negotiate divorce terms that are fair to both of you. No longer are you thinking of ways to hurt him/her, or even trying to works things out. You realize it is over, and you do what needs to be done. You are now thinking in terms of your future and your life. You may even feel comfortable with your new independence. The road to acceptance may have been long, but you are there now and you get on with your life.

Kate's Story

When I was going through my divorce, I felt many emotions all wound together. One day I would be so sad that I did not talk to anyone or even leave the house, and another day I would be so angry, that I would try to think of things to hurt him. Yet on another day I would think; I won't have to answer to anyone anymore, and I felt free.

The acceptance came about one month before the court date. I was so tired of fighting with him, and I saw a different side to him that I did not know even existed. Then I knew it was over. I truly accepted that I was getting divorced.

When the court date arrived I felt no anger, but I was sad for the finality of the marriage. I grieved the end of our life together, but if you asked him, he would say I didn't. He really did not understand or know the pain I felt because he was angry, too. Time healed the pain and my life went on. I am now happily married to a wonderful man.

Never give up hope. Life has a way of working itself out, and you end up exactly were you are supposed to be.

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Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.