12/07/2001

Coping with Loss during the Holidays

Friend and colleague Ellen Ornato wrote this article about an organization in Connecticut that helps families handle grief and loss during the holidays.

The Cove Center for Grieving Children

Jonathon (not his real name) has mixed feelings about the upcoming holiday season. He's 10 and he's excited about holiday parties and about all the toys and gifts he's likely to get. He's also very sad.

Jonathon's dad died last year. His excitement about the holidays is tempered by feelings of guilt and grief. Like thousands of other children who have lost parents and siblings, he feels a deep sadness that the holidays will not ever be the same. Not for him, for his mother or for anyone close to his family.

What Jonathon needs to do, more than anything, is to express what he's feeling with people whom he trusts. "Grieving kids need more one-on-one time during the holidays," says Valerie Cordiano, LMFT, director of the West Hartford site of The Cove Center for Grieving Children. As a licensed marriage and family therapist, Cordiano has met many families that struggle their way through the holidays. "The best way we can support grieving families during the holiday season, is to honor the person they've lost and acknowledge that things won't be the same anymore," she says.

One Cove family that Cordiano worked with celebrated Chanukah. They had lost a daughter and their other daughter wanted to continue the family tradition of celebrating each of the eight nights of the holiday together. "This young girl was able to express her need for 'normalcy' within their home, which brought her parents to a new level of awareness about the needs of their child," says Cordiano. "It's very probable that a beloved family tradition might have been lost if it hadn't been for the bravery of this little girl, who woke her parents out of their sadness to remind them to celebrate life."

Another family struggled with the fact that their deceased daughter had loved Christmas lights best of all, and that the lights were all stored in her bedroom. The family talked for weeks about whether or not they should put up the lights. They ultimately decided to do so, to honor the spirit of the daughter they had lost.

As much as keeping traditions the same helps some children and families cope with their loss, others find comfort and hope in creating new traditions. "Taking a trip at the holidays may be something the family has never done," says Cordiano. "It may work for children to be in a new place that doesn't constantly remind them of their loss," she says, emphasizing that communication among family members is critical, to decide what's best for everyone.

The Cove is a non-profit organization that provides support services to grieving children and their families, throughout central and southern Connecticut. The organization offers the following suggestions to families and friends of grieving children:

• Anticipate that children and teens will need more time and attention during the holiday season. Talk about the things that may come up, and don't rush to any decisions about how to handle difficult decisions.

• Understand that kids may feel guilty about having a good time. Use phrases such as, "Dad (or other deceased family member) would want you to have fun," or "Dad would love to know that you enjoyed that so much," to reassure them that enjoying themselves is okay.

• Bring out family holiday photos and talk about how it used to be when the loved one was alive. Encourage children to talk about what they'll miss, and listen.

• Exercise. The usefulness of exercise to release tension is well documented. Encourage kids to be kids; to run, play and be noisy.

• Honor the lost loved one in any one or more of the following ways:

• Prepare a memory meal comprised of the loved one's favorite foods. Serve it to the rest of the family and talk about your loved one.
• Go shopping with children to purchase a holiday gift for the person they've lost and then donate that item to someone in need.
• Collect stories from friends and family members about the person who is gone and assemble a memory book for the family. Consider asking friends and acquaintances to send stories, too.
• Grieving families need reassurance, attention and love during the holidays. Encourage friends and family members to drop by and to share thoughts, hugs and tears (and probably laughter) with your family. Let friends know that you welcome their visits, or as friends, offer to drop by and visit.
• Read stories to children and teens such as "Badger's Parting Gift" or "The Next Place," to create another way to talk about the loss of the loved one.
• Make a memory ornament, perhaps with the person's picture, and hang it on your Christmas tree.
• Buy a big candle and light it every day, sharing holiday memories about the person who has died.
• Do something different. Go away for a few days, go see a show, create a new family tradition.
• Encourage children to write a letter to the person that died, telling them about what's been happening in their lives.
• Send photos of the lost loved one to their family members, perhaps with a story or an acknowledgement of what that person meant in your life.

"This is a season of intense emotions for many people," says Cordiano. "We need to be a bit more aware of those around us who may be in pain, might need a hug or reassurance." That is probably the best gift of all.

The Cove runs support groups in five locations around Connecticut, including New London, Guilford, New Haven, Milford, Bristol, West Hartford and Meriden. For more information about The Cove, please visit www.neclt.org/cove.htm or call The Cove at 203-634-0500 (in Meriden).

Contact: Mike Rohde, Executive Director: 203.634.0500 or 800.750.COVE

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Questions and Answers about The Cove

What is the purpose of The Cove?

The Cove is a safe place for kids to come together with other grieving kids, to share their stories and their feelings with others. But The Cove is not simply a program for kids. Since children grieve best in a knowledgeable, caring family environment, it is important that parents and siblings learn about grieving kids and how to help them cope. That's why The Cove is a program for the entire family.

How does it work?

Twice each month, families gather together for a two-hour session. After a brief welcome and introduction, children go into age-appropriate sessions led by trained volunteer facilitators. They read a book, complete an activity, draw, paint, or perform an exercise designed to stimulate discussion about their loss. Then they engage in unstructured play as an alternative method of "getting their feelings out." Meanwhile, parents gather in a separate room to learn about children and grief; they have the opportunity to discuss issues of parenting a bereaved family. At the conclusion of the group time, parents and kids come together to complete a joint activity designed to facilitate family communication about their grieving process.

Who facilitates the group?

Facilitators are volunteers who are screened by Cove staff members. They receive 15 hours of training on children and grief. In addition, they meet with the staff one hour before and after each session at The Cove for continuing education.

Is The Cove a therapy group?

No. The Cove is a support program for normal kids who have endured an overwhelming experience ... the death of a loved one. If a child seems to be having an unusually difficult time with his or her grief, the staff, facilitators and parent will discuss the issues and, at the parent's request, the Center will suggest qualified grief therapists in the area.

Is the program gloomy and depressing?

Kids don't usually mourn in a gloomy way. While sometimes sad, kids' grief is often noisy and lively as well. The activities at The Cove are intended to be fun, while teaching the kids coping skills.

How much does it cost?

There is no fee for the program. Families signing up will be asked to make a monthly pledge for an amount with which they are comfortable. No family is ever turned away.

How do I join?

To register for The Cove, call The Cove Coordinating Office (203-634-0500 or toll free 1-800-750-COVE). A member of the staff will discuss the program with you and answer any questions you may have. Once you have completed the registration material, you will be welcome to enter The Cove and find shelter from the storms of grief.

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Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.