03/13/98

Prevent Stealing by Building Trust

Several readers offered suggestions to parents about ways to prevent distrust between parents and their children. When distrust exists, stealing or lying can follow.

• As the parent of two boys, ages 8 and 3, I have a few suggestions for parents or teachers. Our 8-year-old's teacher has helped us teach our kids that they are responsible for their behavior. When she assigns homework, it is the child's responsibility to get it done not the parents'. If a child doesn't do the work or forgets it at home, she does not allow them to call home to have it brought in. Instead, the child has to finish the missing work during a class activity. She is teaching them responsibility, which is something we believe in, too.

  It is important to communicate with and love the kids. We spend as much time as we can with them. My wife and I both work long hours, but we include our kids in our professions (I am a writer and she is a daycare director). We play games they like...turning the lights off and playing hide and seek in the house, going on late-night treat runs, reading books, camping on the living room floor, street hockey, pillow fights, etc. Late at night is when we have some of our best conversations and I really believe it helps the kids get the kind of relationship where they can feel comfortable talking with us.

  Listen. Sometimes my 8-year-old will just want to vent about things. By listening, he feels important and that helps him have better self-esteem.

  Teach the kids how they can work and save up for things they like. We do this a lot with our boys. We do not have chores and allowance because we believe everyone must be responsible for the house, cleaning, etc., but what we do is help them do extra things to earn money. This may be cleaning the bathroom or some other thing around the house that takes the workload off my wife or me. By doing this they earn money to save up for the toy they'd like. They also earn money by collecting soda cans (we saved up for a summer trip to New Hampshire that way) and once by having their own tag sale. By knowing they can earn money, they will be less likely to steal because they are learning they do have control and can get what they like...with work.

  As Mormons, we pay a 10 percent tithing and so do the kids. That teaches them about giving back and that helps them, too.

  Now that I'm done preaching, I hope you understand I am the least perfect parent and know that everyone is different and each situation has to be looked at individually, but these ideas have worked for us.-- Teach and Practice Respect

• A parole officer writes: It is essential that the negative behavior be dealt with in the real world. Make the child accountable while treating the covert cause, in counseling if necessary. For adolescents who steal, give them a tour of the Superior Court for Juveniles and arrange a conversation with one of the parole officers, so the adolescent knows what could happen if the stealing or other irresponsible behavior continues. We can not justify stealing by assigning youth a label of "attention seeker," "ADHD" or "abused child." We can, however, teach responsibility via consequences.-- Teach Responsibility

• Draconian measures do not work with a youngster attempting to steal. Building or rebuilding trust is the key. An adolescent will do his best to prove your opinion of him right - negative or positive. Adolescents need to know you care about them and trust them. But, you must practice the old Russian proverb: Trust, but verify. In other words, "I love you with all my heart, but I'll still check up on you."-- Love and Supervise Closely

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.