10/23/98

Starved to Perfection

Weekend passes off hospital grounds were tied to weight gain. Some patients taped quarters to their inner thighs to add a few extra ounces. Others drank several quarts of water just before weighing in.

ANOREXICS know all the tricks of rapid weight control, like taking diuretics or laxatives to get rid of weight quickly or purging themselves of forbidden foods with self-induced vomiting.

Linda, a woman who has suffered from an eating disorder for over 15 years, traces it back to her mid-teen years, when there was a major upheaval in her family. Her mother, a divorcee for ten years, met and fell in love with Raymond, a wealthy surgeon, and decided to remarry. Three of the couple's four children were away at college, and Linda was in high school. Moving in with Raymond meant changing high schools, too. His huge house with sumptuous grounds and in-ground pool, a bedroom decorated to her specifications and a private phone line did nothing to quiet her longing for old high school friends and the security of the small apartment community she had called home for ten years.

She was happy for her mother and Raymond, but the two of them were so wrapped up with each other that she felt alone and abandoned. They grew increasingly impatient with her moodiness and accused her of being selfish and inconsiderate. To appease them, she covered up her misery as best she could.

One particular occasion stands out in Linda's mind. During her parents' wedding reception, catered at her stepfather's house, Linda was taking something out of the refrigerator, when a guest approached her and introduced himself. At one point in the conversation he said, "You know something? I've never seen a girl eat as much as you do in my entire life."

That comment, she later told me, made something click inside her. She felt ashamed by the perception that she had lost control in public in front of a complete stranger.

The next day she put herself on the Scarsdale Diet. She became obsessed with following it to perfection. She monitored her progress using litmus paper strips to test her urine -- the darker the strip's color, the more weight she would lose (as she interpreted the diet book.) This was her proof that the diet was working and proof that she was in control.

She wrote out a list of foods she allowed herself to eat and lost far more weight than was healthy for her. If she ate a "forbidden" food, she felt like a caged lion until she forced herself to throw it up.

Raymond and her mother grew increasingly concerned. They made delicious meals for her and hovered nearby until she finished them. They wouldn't let her use the car unless she gained weight, a tactic that made her feel even more trapped. They took her to a therapist, but after several months of psychotherapy with no improvement, they admitted her to a hospital.

Many years of treatment followed, as Linda's family, friends and husband helped her wrestle with this persistent, dangerous disorder.

Linda looks back now on all the years of obsessiveness about eating and realizes that she became food phobic, that is, literally afraid of many foods. She's still thin, but eats a healthier diet and has stopped the bingeing, purging and starvation cycle. Her ongoing recovery process includes advice from a nutritionist and weekly meetings with a support group.

Society's emphasis on thinness played a role in her condition, because she equated weight gain with looking unattractive. She was also a gymnast and the coaches emphasized weight control. Linda thinks that many girls get temporarily caught up in competitive weight loss for dance class or sports or to wear a "size 5," but they get over it, accept their body type and move on.

That didn't happen for her. She views her eating disorder as an addictive disorder that became all consuming. It also masked feelings of sadness, loss, anger and low self-worth, which she has uncovered and explored in therapy. Ever vigilant, yet ever stronger, Linda strives for personal growth in other parts of her life now, as a professional and as a parent.

LINKS:

Anorexia Nervosa and Other Eating Disorders (ANRED)

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