07/16/99

Hitting the Wall

We taught our son to work hard and never give up. "You can accomplish anything you put your mind to," we said. "The difficult you do right away; the impossible takes a little more time."

Those were the thoughts flowing through his mind when his body screamed for relief half way up a rock wall in the Berkshires. He clung to the crevices with every ounce of our belief in him, but his muscles couldn't respond. He had "hit the wall," with no choice but to allow fellow climbers to lower him to the bottom. He was crushed, his inner compass broken.

One by one his companions told him about times when each of them had run on empty and had had to seek and accept help. Every story helped him recognize his limitations as normal, not shameful. It was OK to fail, OK to learn from it and OK with his friends. Next time he would be the stronger one. This was his first of many experiences with group esteem building. He learned to relinquish control without punishing himself for it. Such mutual interdependence builds a form of self-esteem that leads to group cohesion and the tremendous power and potential for group problem solving, usually in situations that no individual can conquer alone.

Our son didn't given up his belief in self-reliance. He worked out every morning for the rest of the summer until he was able to climb that wall twice in one day! Even so, there was no going back. He added an even stronger belief in "other-reliance," a discovery that has contributed much to prepare him for his chosen profession as a teacher of children.

We hear so much about the importance of self-esteem, an elusive trait that each of us needs in just the right amounts. Too much produces conceit and too little produces self-doubt or anxiety. Just what is self-esteem and how do we instill it in our children, in others and in ourselves?

Self-esteem is a belief in oneself, but not to the point of excessive pride or braggadocio -- a calmness inside that lives there permanently, even when a person is under stress. I think of people who have strong self-esteem as resilient in good times and bad, because they believe in their ability to evaluate circumstances and survive whatever happens. I wonder whether some people are born with it. When my daughter was five years old, my husband took a new job in another state. It meant the upheaval caused by leaving close friends, finding a new job (for me), going to new schools (for the kids) and starting over. My husband, son and I were gritching and moaning about it one evening when our daughter demanded, "What's wrong with everybody? We're just moving!" Nothing like a cold bucket full of perspective from a kindergartner to bring us to our senses!

Yet I also know that self-esteem can be elusive -- here one minute and gone the next. There are days when I feel strong enough to take on the world and do so. There are other days when the smallest hassle sends me into full retreat. That's when I think about my son's experience hitting the wall and realize how much we need to be able to lean on others when our own resources give out.

Giving self-esteem to others and acquiring it for ourselves takes continuous sensitivity to and awareness of emotional realities. It's like walking a tightrope, balancing constructive criticism with high praise ... the helping hand with urged independence ... a pat on the back with a kick in the pants. We can't give or take the feedback in a vacuum, because it comes from socializing with others, as a reflection of their reactions to what we do or say.

The balancing act is most difficult with children, whose inexperience makes them vulnerable to frequent falls. Take the process of esteem building slowly and quietly with children, giving them generous amounts of support, suggestions, encouragement, respect and love along the way. Let them experience the consequences of their actions, within the limits of safety, without choruses of "I told you so" when they make mistakes. And give them as many opportunities as possible to derive personal strength from times of interdependence among family members and friends.

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.