03/27/98

How can I help my son manage his anger?

Q: My second grade son has a lot of trouble lately doing what he's asked when he's asked. Often he storms off to his room, shuts the door and puts his toy box in front of it. If my husband or I try to gain entry to his room or try to get him to come out, everything escalates. So now we wait and he comes out in five or ten minutes a lot calmer.

What I'm worried about is that we should be teaching him to stay and discuss things, because he won't always have his room to retreat to when he wants to rant and rave. How can we help him manage his anger?

A: Anger is a normal, natural human emotion that we experience to varying degrees almost every day. We all learn ways to manage our anger and use them constantly, almost without realizing it. Brainstorm with your husband and write down some of the ways you handle your anger; you may be surprised at how many you come up with in just a few minutes. These are the techniques you can teach to your son, either directly or by example (by example usually works more effectively). When I did this exercise myself, I discovered several anger management techniques I routinely use:

• work off the anger by doing something physical and constructive, like cleaning, raking, shoveling snow or cleaning out closets.

• write in my journal. In the process of writing, reasons for my anger often bubble to the surface.

• count to 10, take deep breaths, and give myself time to think clearly; then confront the situation or person directly.

• yell (which doesn't always help, but does relieve the tension).

• listen to music or watch TV (some form of escape)

• isolate myself and vent (by throwing pillows or some other form of harmless outpouring of the anger and frustration).

• turn the anger into humor. This is a great way to dissipate tension and really works well for me in job settings.

• call a friend and talk about it

• do something I enjoy

• take a walk outside

When my son was six years old he started using foul language to express his anger. Because I found such words offensive and unacceptable, but knew he might use them even more if I forbid them, I sent him to the bathroom during his tirades. "Take your bathroom talk where it belongs," I told him. He once stayed in there shouting obscenities for ten minutes. But he stopped using foul language anywhere else (that I know of).

Engage your son in the dialogue about anger, too. He's already teaching himself ways to cope with strong, explosive feelings. He's ready to learn more.

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.