11/25/98

A Real Nail-Biter

Q: I have what appears to be a well adjusted, bright,mostly happy 8 year old boy (3rd grade). I am a stay-at-home Mom and I spend loads of individual time with him as well as with his 7-year-old sister and 2-year-old brother. The problem is that my 8-year-old bites his nails, or I should say almost eats his fingers up, usually when he's nervous or bored. Last night in a den meeting we played touch football. He bit with a vengeance while he played.

I have had the school psychologist talk with him. He says that all is okay upstairs (mentally), and that we might just have to put up with this habit until he decides to get serious about stopping. In conversation, he wants to stop but seconds after he takes his hand away, it is right back in his mouth. Are there any methods you recommend to stop nail and finger biting? (We have tried THUM medicine to no avail.)

A: Before I comment, I refer you to an article called "Ask the Experts" in Parent Time on-line magazine. The experts answer parent questions about nail biting and several other annoying childhood habits, such as thumb sucking, nose picking, hair pulling, teeth grinding and others.

The Internet address for this article is: http://www.pathfinder.com/ParentTime/Growing/7badhabit5.html

In my opinion, there is little you can do to stop your son from biting his nails. You can tell him it bothers you and give him information about how it might become harmful if it gets too severe; then wait for him to decide how and when to stop. It's similar to making decisions for our children about hairstyles or food choices. Most people, including kids, don't like to have anything forced on them that concerns the appearance of their bodies.

As parents, we need to choose our battles wisely. As long as your child's behavior isn't dangerous to him or others, you may see it disappear more quickly if you ignore it, especially when there is so much to praise and appreciate about your son.

On the other hand, if a behavior bothers you so much that you decide to take it on, consider giving your child choices, as in the following example: At age 5, my son invited a friend over to play and they began exchanging what I'll call "bathroom talk and noises," followed by fits of laughter. I ignored it for awhile, but it gradually started to get under my skin, plus I didn't want this kind of conversation or play to reappear in public. So I told them they could exchange such language for as long as they wanted to, as long as they did it in the bathroom. I then sent them to the bathroom for 5 minutes and encouraged them to get it out of their systems in there. They thought that was a great idea, until they discovered how long five minutes can be when cooped up in a tiny room.

They kept asking to come out, and I said, "No. Go ahead. Use every bathroom word you can think of while you're in there! But you have to promise that I won't hear any more of it after you come out!" I can't promise you that they stopped using such language. But they never used it again within earshot of me. More than once I even heard each of them shush other playmates who crossed that line into improper language.

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.