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My Brother's Kids are Monsters ... Q: My brother's kids (8 and 10 years old) are monsters who sass adults and hit other kids. Their parents ignore their bad conduct. We're gradually seeing less of them because we don't want the boys terrorizing our 3-year-old. When these boys get into trouble at school, the parents say that other kids provoked them or that they're no worse than the others. We want to help, but when we talk to them about it, they just deny the problems. What do you suggest? A: First of all, you need to let your brother and sister-in-law know that their children must follow your house rules when they visit. If they refuse, you have no choice but to ask them to stay away. If they agree, tell the boys what the consequences are for hitting or sassing and stick to it. You might even want to plan a "dry run" when your younger child is not home, just to make sure the boys will obey you. Plan activities that you know the boys will enjoy and that bring out their talents. If they're bored, they're more like to get testy. You can also use opportunities when the boys are calm and cooperative to talk to them about some of the consequences of their behavior with friends. For example, many classmates begin to avoid the troublemakers, which will result in fewer choices for friendships for them. They're old enough to understand cause and effect and to understand how their behavior affects others. Ask them to give examples of some of the problems they've had at school, so you can talk about how they could handle each situation differently. If you know about books or upcoming television programs about some of the parenting or peer group issues involved, let your brother and sister-in-law know about them. Maybe they will be able to be more objective when seeing or hearing about similar problems through the words of other parents or professionals. Suggest to the parents that they ask their pediatrician for recommendations about school behavior problems. And let them know that their school has a school psychologist or guidance counselor, available to parents for consultation about school related behavioral or adjustment issues. Children with learning problems sometimes hide their discomfort about those problems by acting out. Evaluation services are available from school personnel to determine whether learning problems are part of the picture for either of your nephews. The evaluation process can be an important catalyst for parents to increase understanding of their children and help develop more cooperation with intervention plans, if recommended. It is often difficult for members of the family to address serious problems among the children, especially when the parents become defensive and seem closed to suggestions. But they need to know that small problems can become large ones if ignored for long. For additional ideas, consult the following Internet links:
A Complete Guide to Discipline:
Coping with Sibling Conflict: Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net. Previous columns are available. | |||||||
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