01/29/99

Feeling Different

Q: My son is seven years old but only in the first grade because he did a transitional year between kindergarten and first. He's 54" tall and weighs 100 pounds so is as big as the average ten-year-old. His motor skills are delayed as shown by mild balance and coordination problems. He can't ride a bike yet, but takes karate and loves to swim. He receives physical therapy and speech therapy in school, both of which help him immensely. His behavior in school is fine, but when he gets home he's so keyed up that he screams and cries and lashes out at his siblings. After he calms down, he talks about feeling different and that kids pick on him because of his weight. He's a sensitive child and I want him to grow up feeling good about himself and proud of all the things he CAN do. What do you suggest?

A: I have several suggestions, not listed in any particular order or priority.

• Help your son do some reality checks. By this I mean: ask him to look around at the other students. I'm sure he'll notice many differences in size, shape, dexterity, strength and other physical attributes within his class or in the other first grade classes. Can he imagine how other children might feel about the attributes that make them look different, like wearing glasses or leg braces or ethnic clothing? Yet each of them has personal talents, strengths and skills just like he does. Help him enjoy his uniqueness, i.e. the qualities that make him the person he is ... his talents, interests, intelligence, and even how he looks. You say he's a swimmer and takes karate - not everyone his age can say that!
• You mentioned that he receives speech therapy. If he currently sees this therapist for individual sessions, perhaps he could shift to group sessions with one or two other children, who could express ideas and feelings through puppet or storybook characters. (Something you can also do at home.)
• Many parents tell me that their children come home wound up after school, which is a highly stimulating environment for children. Quiet time often helps. Make a quiet space available for your son when he gets home, before asking him about his day or making plans. A bit of rest, a snack, some music may refresh him before he starts another round of activities.
• If he still has periods of tantrumming, be sure he's safe and away from the other children; then wait until he calms down before debriefing with him about what's upsetting him. Give him some specific suggestions about how to handle uncomfortable situations that bother him at school and may recur. He may be able to come up with ideas for solutions, too, and so can his brothers and sisters.
• Include school friends in play activities after school or on weekends, so he feels more of a connection between the two places. It's important to get to know your children's friends, from their earliest years on.

In summary, the more you emphasize your son's strengths and talents, and the more you help him troubleshoot upsetting events in school by choosing actions he can take, the more in control he'll feel about how things progress. Maintain regular communication with the classroom teacher, so you're working together on whatever problems develop. You'll hear about many of his successes that way, too!

LINKS:

Self-esteem in Children

Books for Parents

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.