05/22/99

Prevention of Youth Violence - Part 2

Thank you to all the readers who sent their heartfelt, thoughtful ideas about this wrenching, yet critically important topic. Each of us can contribute in some way to the solutions we seek in order to protect ourselves and our children from savage, heartless acts of violence.

One reader wrote: "I would like to suggest a few more avenues that are important in the overall scheme of putting a stop to the violence. In approaching such a complex subject, it is important to realize that not only is the cessation of violence something that takes time for an individual; but also, it is something that occurs in steps over generations." The reader continued:

1. Experiencing Other Portions of One's Personality:

   In order for people entrenched in violence to live a better life, they must be able to see that they have it in them (to do otherwise) and they are worth it. Although I do not have a repertoire of methods for accomplishing this, I can recommend an organization of volunteers that has been doing this in schools, prisons and the community for over 20 years, in this country and around the world. The organization calls itself the Alternatives to Violence Project (AVP).

   was developed by Quakers at the request of inmates in a New York state prison who desired to prevent their younger siblings from ending up where they did. While started by Quakers, it is not a religious organization. AVP conducts workshops that weave a dance and other exercises to promote cooperation, relaxation, self-disclosure, listening, reflection of content and feeling, community and communications skills. AVP does not delve deeply into intense problems better handled by therapy and yet accomplishes its goal of allowing people to better define violence and nonviolence in their lives. Participants understand through experience that they have both in their lives .. nd that they have the choice to exercise that duality constructively or destructively.

   Prisoners of differing races and members of gangs often enter the workshop area and, upon discovering members of other groups, are surprised and somewhat sarcastic. By the end of the day, usually these feelings have vanished and people are enjoying the workshop and beginning to experience themselves in new and better ways, including simply having fun together. By the end of the workshop, they have shared stories with each other and allowed themselves to physically be lifted up above their heads .. wwth people whom they would have ignored or addressed in a brusque manner before the workshops. These tough guys have reportedly been caught red-handed thereafter, singing AVP songs in the shower and observing others in altercations without becoming violently involved.

   For information on about AVP-USA and referral to AVP-International, contact Marjorie Kerr at AVPUSA@aol.com.

2. Gaining a Better Understanding of Oneself and the World:

   Although some may call it spiritual and some may call it psychological, what it is doesn't matter. What does matter is that most of us have conditioning that tells us family is important, siblings are important, society is important, the world is important ... and ... if one has any time and priority left, then and only then is it not "selfish" to consider oneself and one's needs important.

   It is vitally important that we pay attention to ourselves daily. That does not mean to sit and think over all we have done, evaluate it and then judge ourselves by it. Instead, it means to ignore that erroneous view of the self and consequent view of the world (for a moment each day), and to simply notice ourselves. One can notice the body and mind as thoughts whirl through it. Whatever one finds within, be it God, be it a voice, be it a vision, be it nothing but blackness with little colored specks in it ... it doesn't matter what one finds there ... it only matters that you pay attention to YOU. As people do this, they begin to see themselves as they truly are instead of as a collection of judgments made about them.

   As their view of themselves begins to change, their world view and view of others inevitably begins to change as well. At first, this may or may not be evident ... but gradually, a distinct difference will be seen ... a difference that will change the inner tone and confidence of the person forever. I call it Simple Meditation.

   After one sees beyond the conditioning, one discovers that we are all more alike than we are different.

3. Understanding Some of the Reasons the World Appears like it Does:

   The increasing lack of extended family bonding and support has made the world less caring in general, more prone to imbalances in prosperity, more prone to frustration, desperation and violence, and uneducated in necessary levels of intimacy, communication and tolerance.

   • Larger families are okay, unlike a common modern ideal of two children.
   • Extended families can be included more intimately than in the past.
   • Small nuclear families of 3, 4 or 5 cannot protect themselves against violent predators -- or even popular opinion or government changes in policy -- nearly as well as a large cohesive, well-bonded family that knows what its ideals and values are and is assertive enough to maintain them.
   • Larger families can provide assistance with child-rearing, interdependently providing for each other during times when one part of the family may need assistance while another has overages of time or goods. They have more experience, stories and wisdom for the young, enhancing and broadening their perspectives. Radical shifts of opinion within the family can be dealt with on a wider democratic scheme, allowing a more consistent way of life and a more palatable system of necessary change. When young adults turn to face the world, they need a support system like an extended family gives, so that the world does not look so scary. Thus, the harsh realities they may face are buffered until they gain enough life experience to handle them well.

The time has come, in the midst of overwhelmingly rapid technology growth, in the midst of faltering economic systems that used to be icons with ivory towers, when small nuclear families stand to lose all they have at the slightest change in economics or at the loss of a job. It wasn't so long ago that most families in this country owned their own home and all its furnishings, along with the family's transportation, the family business and all its wares or machinery. Parents taught their children the family trade and a great deal of responsibility in terms of how to succeed financially, socially and intimately.

I am not suggesting that we return to the horse and buggy days. I hear they were rough times and that the cost of living was much higher (determined in the number of hours required to earn the price of goods.)

What I am suggesting is that we pay attention to deeper and wider family bonding and support in every way we can ... and that we begin to raise children who understand the value of that and feel the confidence that arises from it.

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Teach School Children about World Religions

"Our children need to learn about spiritual beliefs. Most religions have some basic values of right and wrong that we all can subscribe to, rather than competing to see who's values are better than another's. We have mostly secularism in our society, because all religions have been pushed out of the public schools. Instead we should be teaching children about the thousands of years of traditional values that society's religions have taught us."

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We Need Both Pride and Shame

"We need a resurgence of both shame and pride. When I was growing up we instinctively knew when we did, or even contemplated doing, something wrong, and it filled us with shame and embarrassment. When we did something right we were filled with joy and a sense of well-being. After age 6 or 7 no one had to teach us right from wrong, because we knew it. This did not necessarily come from strong, cohesive families. My mother worked in a factory 10 hours a day, six days a week, and my father worked 24 hours a day, crawling up the Italian peninsula. In a way, we were the first generation of "latch key kids," without a key (because the door was never locked)! Those values are gone, but hopefully not forever. Were such values taught at a parent's knee with solemn warnings or hellfire or reform school? No. Mostly we learned by watching how our parent(s) behaved. A growing child will emulate what parents do.

"I remember attending a high school where guns were brought into the school! Some students went hunting before school and casually brought their shotguns inside, put them in their lockers, and took them home in the afternoon. There was no cause for concern because kids knew better than to misuse a firearm. Plus they would have caused their parents grievous shame had they misbehaved in such a fundamental area of responsibility. These same kids worked during vacations, even in winter, due to the work ethic seen at home (unlike the "what's in it for me and my cell phone" frenzy that passes for work today. Out of wedlock pregnancies were extremely rare and conversation was civil, not vicious gossip or language where "mother" was half a word.

"Before I'm branded as just another geezer living in the past, let me say that I have no desire to return to the "good old days," when hot water came from a five-quart pail on the stove, and the miracle drug of the day was Iodine. We live in the best times in recorded history, with every reason to believe that life will become even better as the future rapidly becomes the past.

"What we must somehow correct is this almost uniquely American coarsening of the values that have brought us so far and given us so much. How we get those values back is beyond my intellect, but get them back we must or surely society shall eventually perish. Things have already reached the point where the horrors of Littleton and Kosovo aren't nearly as shocking to us as they should be. As a character in an old TV science fiction show constantly asks, "Where is the honor?"

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Two excellent publications available from the American Psychological Association:

Raising Children to Resist Violence: What You Can Do

Guide to Help Youth Recognize the Warning Signs of Violent Behavior

Also, the American Psychological Association (APA), in collaboration with MTV, has produced an excellent anti-violence video for middle and high school level students. To find out how more about the video, call APA at 877-274-8787, ext. 135.

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.