06/22/2001

The Parent Who Is Always Right

Q: I have been a sixth grade teacher for 15 years now. Every year I deal with at least one parent and usually two or three who cannot handle any form of criticism about their child. They always blame someone or something else for whatever the child does wrong, no matter what kind of problem I bring to their attention. I've heard every excuse there is from lack of sleep to other kids picking on their child to forgetfulness to genetics to self-blame ... anything but, "Thank you for telling me. I will talk with Jimmy about that and expect him to make some changes. What do you suggest?"

I realize that many parents show insecurity this way, and I try to be understanding, but when I share a problem with a parent, I'm looking for solutions. I don't turn to parents for help frivolously; most problems that come up I handle directly with the student. How can I get the message across to parents that I'm not judging their parenting abilities or assessing blame? I just want the benefit of their insights and experience with their children.

A: I call the parent you are describing, the "yes, but ..." parent. Every suggestion you make is received with a nod of agreement, followed by, "Yes, but ..." The gist of the rest of that "yes, but ..." phrase is frequently some version of: "... he/she doesn't do that at home!"

One approach that I have used with some success is to ask the parent conditional questions. For example, I might say, "If Jimmy were to hit the boy next door, what would you do?" Or, "What if you ask Sarah to finish her homework by 9 p.m., and you discover that she has been talking with a friend on the phone instead. How would you handle that?"

By taking the problem into the realm of possibility, the parent can step back a pace and imagine a solution, thus helping you find a workable one, too. Even though the parent denies similar problems at home, you know there is no such thing as a perfectly stress-free, problem-free household - humans just don't act calmly and rationally all the time. Knowing that, why argue? Provide the parent with an opportunity to speculate with you.

A more direct approach is to describe the problem and then tell the parent, in detail, exactly what measures you have taken to solve the problem, all without success. Give the parent a chance to give you constructive criticism. Usually the parent will be able to tell you why your attempt at a solution failed, giving you valuable insights in the process, usually followed by a suggestion or two. You have thus turned a stand-off into the problem-solving session you wanted, at the parent's initiative!

Finally, the more opportunities you take to point out all that's going right for a parent's child, the less defensive the parent is likely to be. I remember a time when I invited a parent to visit the school, just to meet his son's teachers and see his son's class. The boy had transferred mid-year, so I thought the father (who lived in another town) would enjoy meeting everyone and might be more likely to attend teacher conferences and evening programs after that.

After spending some time with the teacher and observing his son's class, he returned to my office to share his impressions. A few sentences into his remarks, his voice dropped off and he looked at me warily. "OK, now," he said. "What has my son done wrong? Why did you really ask me to come here?" The truth is that this father had never been invited to come to his son's school just for a visit; he had only been called in when his son got into trouble! No wonder parents sometimes get defensive.

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.