10/19/2001

Readers Discuss Adjustment to Divorce

Several weeks ago, Kate Walton shared her thoughts (in a two-part article) about how people cope with separation and divorce. Readers responded with many thoughtful comments about this difficult process that, for most, ultimately leads to resolution, followed by the strength and courage to move ahead as individuals - and later into new intimate relationships.

***

Dear Kate:

Everything you write is indeed very true, but only where you have two caring and sensitive people involved.

The opposite of love is NOT hate. It is apathy! One must care a great deal about another person to love, or hate, them. It requires an enormous expenditure of time, effort and emotion to love, or hate, another person.

However, if one of the parties truly doesn't care (about the partner or the concept of marriage, or even of the family) then the civilizing effects of love and loss are foreign to that person. All the psychological attention in the world will not get that person to acknowledge the emotional brutality associated with divorce. That person does not care, one way or another, what happens to the detritus of the marriage compact. All they can see is an impediment, both social and physical, to their daily comings and goings.

May I respectfully suggest you spend a few days (usually Mondays) in any Superior Court and watch the divorce proceeding in general, but also watch the post divorce personal behaviors of the parties in the hall after the event. Much of the time, only one of the former partners will even show up, and only then because they must. However, the behaviors, speech, body language and general demeanor of each will speak volumes as to where they stand, each in his or her own emotional landscape. It is not at all difficult to gauge the degree of true involvement among and between the parties. Trust me, there are a whole lot more of these emotionally dismembered divorces than the emotional caretakers of this world would have you believe.

In the many instances to which I refer, there frequently is no disengagement, since there was no honest engagement to begin with. Either the girl is desperate to get out of the house, or the guy is terminally "horny," or some such combination of artifices are the momentary motivation for matrimony. The gloss wears off quickly, and while often one partner was and is sincere, the other is nothing less than a temporary predator.

At the risk of being labeled a male basher (by my own gender), this situation seems to arise more often with men than women. Women are the civilizing force in the world. But that is designed for functional males who are capable of enduring civilization. Women may "civilize" all they wish, but it is an inoperative mode for dysfunctional men. And it seems to be this very kind of dysfunctional male who routinely lies about his "engagement" and honest commitment. He is the one who shrugs off a divorce without a look back or a second thought.

***

Hi Beth.

I want to add a quick thought on step parenting. I was divorced nine years ago and waited five years after the divorce to meet someone. When I did, I thought this woman was the perfect fit for my daughter and myself. She brought two children into the marriage.

But my new wife treated my daughter terribly. She was so jealous of everything I did for my daughter that it ended up in an argument if I even bought my daughter clothes or necessities. When she moved in, she demanded that I remove most of my daughter's pictures from the living room.

She said cruel things to my daughter and her kids were a nightmare. They were disrespectful, disobedient, and willful toward adults. My wife's attitude towards my daughter and the fact that she would not be firm with her son ended our marriage.

It lasted only 1.5 years, and it's so sad. I did everything I could for her and the kids.

I even paid off a debt that she brought into the marriage with my retirement fund. Now that hard-earned money is gone ... and my retirement prospects are in serious trouble!

Why she acted the way she did I do not know. She was much different before we married. Step parenting is a challenge. It is vital that anyone considering remarriage after a divorce sit down and talk about ALL the issues and rules that will be expected to be followed in the home. People should date for a long time before considering remarriage. It takes at least 1-2 years to really start to get to know someone.

I am very embarrassed to be divorced for a second time. My first marriage ended because my first wife and I just weren't right for each other. My second marriage ended because I married a person that misrepresented herself and her kids. Life is a process of learning, and growing. At 43, I am still doing so and, at this juncture, wonder where I am headed.

All I know is I do want to have a wife, who loves and respects my daughter and myself, and would be loving, kind, and faithful, and understand children. I am finding out that this is not a very easy task.

I also want to comment on the sadness of a divorce. With all the difficulties that I had in my marriage, there were a lot of good things, too. I was loved by my wife more than anyone had ever loved me, and I had more in common with her than I had ever had with anyone else. I took a trip to Washington with her and experienced the beauty of the Pacific Northwest. We are both strict vegetarians (vegans), and we cooked a lot of great meals together. We had just plain fun together.

But, as I said before, it takes time to really get to know a person, and what I've learned through all this is that when contemplating marriage, it's good to make a long courtship, and really get to know each other and the children, if there are any. This way you get to see all the complexities and nuances of everyone, and can discuss plans and rules and implement them. We basically fell head over heels for each other, got married too soon and parented "shooting from the hip" so to speak. We were like two young people in love and did not look at all the issues maturely.

I, too, experienced all the stages of "death" as it were. for the end of a marriage is similar to the grief experienced through the death of a loved one. Reading John Gray's book "Mars and Venus Starting Over" helped a lot.

One last observation. When people get married, they receive a lot of attention, gifts, and love. However, when one is divorced ... almost the opposite happens. People don't really want to hear about it. We are left alone with the emotional upheaval to deal with by ourselves.

***

Kate Walton wrote, "Be kind to yourself during this emotional time and remember that there are people out there who care."

In my experience, people today couldn't be bothered with the emotional ups and downs of another person. If one person is angry about one thing or another, it is easy to distance yourself from that person and move on to the next who might be happy or sad, at least the angry person won't influence the listener anymore.

What I am trying to say is: Be kind to yourself, for sure, because if you don't take care of yourself nobody else will even care. That includes emotional care as well. There are just too many people out there in this world to allow any one person to influence you one way or another. You must be responsible for yourself, all aspects of your emotional and physical well-being.

I alone must be responsible for every action I take throughout my lifetime and that includes marriage.

That isn't to say that I cannot laugh or cry with another during the time I have to live my life, but this must be put in perspective, for these are merely fleeting moments of happiness or sadness I will enjoy during my lifetime. No one else is responsible for these emotions but myself.

I was once married, too, but nobody else could possibly be responsible for my divorce but myself. As soon as I came to realize this fact the better equipped I was to cope with the realities of this tragic situation called divorce. Nothing could change the situation I was in. I alone was left alone. Whether I wanted divorce or not is immaterial. I was still left alone, and alone I will be for the rest of my days.

How bittersweet life really is, for everyone faced with the fact of divorce.

I'm sure you think that I have a sad outlook on life. But I say, even relationship therapists, and other people with all sorts of credentials hanging on their walls, will say the same thing. They tell you in no uncertain terms that you yourself must first be responsible for yourself before you can bring happiness into another's life.

There are emotional, cry on my shoulder, type groups and organizations that can in fact help one cope with divorce, at least until one comes to grips with the situation. For example, there is the Divorced Men's Association of Connecticut.

The fact remains, however, without some form of remuneration, nobody could honestly give a damn about another person's emotional well-being. Isn't capitalism grand?

If one is seeking another who really cares one might seek a truly one-on-one, and by that I mean a sole, private relationship with their creator. Yes, my creator is really the only one who cares about my emotional, physical well-being. How about yours? Do you even know?

***

I would like to add my nickel's worth. Divorce can be messy, as friends of mine can attest to. Some were smart and just went their separate ways. Others were vengeful and wanted to take their ex "over the coals" for all they could get.

When my parents divorced, it wasn't too happy a time. While I was too young to know anything, I did find out things that I would have hoped not to have to learn later in life. The bad part of divorce is if there are any children involved, then the money aspect comes up and then the "ex" can become a "non-child support dirtbag" forever.

The Courts may not be fair to either party, as information from both sides is never forthcoming, and someone wants it all and wants to destroy the other financially. The parent should do their part and support the child, but if you spend more than you make, it may be too hard to suddenly change. Responsibility is a hard thing to realize.

Denial, anger, depression, loss and a whole lot more will envelope anyone, as any life you were hoping to make with this person just went to hell. Like Kate says, with a little luck, and real friends and family, you can recover and maybe find the true person that you should be spending the rest of your life with.

***

I've been through the divorce route about 8 years ago, and it's really difficult. However, as time passes, it does get easier.

Currently, I'm experiencing the end of a seven-year relationship with a man I absolutely adore! This feels even worse than when I went through my divorce! However, your article did jolt me into remembering the grieving process, and "things happening for a reason." I'm just about at the acceptance stage, and absolutely know the best thing to do now is to move forward.

So, thanks for publishing your words of wisdom. They came (for me) at a very appropriate time.

***

I found the articles interesting about divorce. There is another phase after acceptance for many of us, perhaps none more than those of us who endured the midlife crisis split. There can be great joy and release. The children grown, some of the vested concerns of "youthful beauty" put more into perspective, the realization of what it can mean to have freedom dawns.

There are choices we can make just on the basis of our own wants and our changing needs. The adventure of a vacation alone can be freeing, can be exhilarating. Life without a mate can hold wonders, though it may sometimes hold loneliness, too. There isn't utopia in human relationships ... every lifestyle has tradeoffs. We can look honestly at a marriage that failed, accepting our responsibility for some of the break up, even if we were the "injured party." We can often find a period of discovery and fun and that sense that we are more truly ourselves than we may ever have been. There is time to experiment, to change direction, to grow in ways that marriage often doesn't so easily allow.

I get lonely. I don't hate men, nor do I rule out ever having a successful romantic relationship again. But I recovered my SELF after divorce. I realize that the divorce may have been the right thing, though it came about in a traumatic, hurtful way. I can be grateful, even, that my ex-husband knew what I didn't at the time, i.e., that we were not a good match. I'm more the woman I'd hoped to be. Perhaps I'll be more fully myself should another relationship be in the offing one day.

***

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.