10/03/97

Walk in my Shoes

In response to Walk in my Shoes

Parents want to be more involved in the education of their children but aren't sure whether teachers want to know them personally.

• It's a great idea to invite the teacher over for dinner.  My son is in daycare now, so I'll invite his caretakers over for a nice meal. When he hits grade school I'll be curious to see if a teacher will say, "No," for fear of showing a non-professional relationship with a student. --- It's ok when they're little

• Families and teachers should get to know each other.  There seems to be a siege mentality these days with parents expecting miracles from teachers and vice versa.  Greater communication would build some bridges that are mostly non-existent in current times and it might help mend the adversarial atmosphere.  One or two parent/teacher nights a year just doesn't cut it. --- Yes, to "Dinner with Andre"

• To those who wonder about the best way to contact parents, I have always been a great fan of home visits.  I try to talk to parents for the first time in their own home, especially if they come from a different culture.  The home visit has several advantages: 1) What one sees is much richer than what one hears;  2) There is no problem of nonattendance by parents; 3) The parents appreciate one taking the time and making the effort; and 4) It solves the translating problem, as parents can use a translator they trust rather than rely on one the city or town provides.  Most educators seem to see home visits as the realm of social workers. They see the parents as feeling intruded upon.  But I have had parents fondly remind me of those home visits even a generation after they occurred. --- Dr. Landsman, Psychologist in Israel

• I am an advocate of home visits.  Many parents cannot leave their homes.  I readily go to the home to interview parents and assess school refusal students.  Having a family systems background, I find home turf valuable for breaking down barriers and providing invaluable information.  It conveys a message of respect to the families. --- school psychologist

  The biggest problem in schools is lack of respect, respect for each other, parents, teachers, property and the environment.  Without mutual respect for each other we have nothing.  In recent months there has been a movement in several school districts in Connecticut to go to a uniform clothing standard.  Results show that the students who wear uniforms have more self-respect and are becoming better students.  There is less focus on superficial things and more on the business of learning. Teachers are finding more to respect among their students and students are finding that being bright and neat is no longer a stigma.  With self-respect comes general respect and appreciation of each other. Sure, invite the teacher to dinner, but FIRST teach the kids RESPECT! --- a self-respecting citizen and parent

In response to "Abuses of Trust" (8/15/97)

Second-time parents ... The Grandparent Information Center in Washington, D.C. estimates that over three million American children are currently living with grandparents or other relatives.  Grandparents take on raising children again for many reasons, such as child abuse, neglect, birth parents' lack of parenting skills, alcohol or other substance abuse, imprisonment, mental illness or sometimes death.  These grandparents and other "second timers" are forming support groups throughout the country to help them cope with stress, custody decisions, financial and other needs. 

Grandmother Kathleen's story follows:

Little Michelle is a happy, healthy 13 month old.  She has blond hair, blue eyes and a smile to melt your heart.  She lives in a cottage by a lake with two "parents" who love her.  Only we're really not her parents; we're her grandparents.  Her Mom has a heroin habit and, for the first year of Michelle's life, her Dad said he wasn't ready to take care of a baby.

We took her in when she was two months old.  We got up at night to feed her and change her, to rock her and sing to her, to enjoy her first smiles, first words and first steps.  We took her to the doctor for checkups and shots and comforted her when she was scared, sick or teething.  We love her.  We've done all the things good parents do for their children, even though we aren't her real parents.

Her real parents are the ones who laid down in a drug induced frenzy of love and mixed sperm and ova to create her.  Her real mother didn't bother to stop her drug use during the pregnancy.  Her real father went on with his own life, stopping once to see his baby when she was born and another time at Christmas.  They showed up at court hearings saying they wanted their child, but Mom was still using drugs and Dad still "wasn't ready."  Dad said during the last hearing that he wasn't sure Michelle was really his.  Blood tests proved she is.

Michelle's Mom, our daughter, has finally seen the light.  She says she has been away too long and realizes that Michelle is our child because she has bonded with us.  She feels that to take her away from us and the extended family would hurt Michelle, so she has asked us to adopt the baby.  We said a resounding "Yes," but also need her Dad's consent.

Now Dad says he wants to raise Michelle.  He has made three visits on the last three Saturdays, but has yet to give even a bag of diapers, let alone financial support for his child.  During the last visit he took her to the mall and bought sneakers for himself.  He says he needs to get a better job and apartment, so is content to leave her with us until he gets his life in order.

So here we are, a family in limbo.  We have a sweet baby girl who gets up every morning knowing we love and care for her.  Will Dad and his girlfriend read her her favorite books and sing countless renditions of "Over the Rainbow" until she falls asleep?  Will they drop everything when she raises her chubby arms and says "Up?"  Will they be able to explain why "Mom-Mom" and "Pa-Pa" aren't there anymore?  Will she think we gave her away because she wasn't good enough?

Her Dad isn't worried about any of this.  He says it won't matter to her because she won't remember. 

We are willing to go with an open adoption so both parents will still have visits and input into Michelle's life.  Michelle's father is against it.  He now wants to raise his daughter.  So there will be no adoption.

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.