04/03/98

The Tenets of a Lasting Marriage

In response to Secrets of a Healthy Marriage (3/27/98)

Readers expand the list of secrets to a lasting marriage. I continue to learn much from your collective wisdom.

• Respect for each other's needs, wants, and opinions is a critical component of a successful marriage, as is allowing your spouse some personal space. In her profession, my wife deals with oncology patients daily and occasionally needs to vent, to be left alone, and to grieve. If a spouse cannot respect a spouse's needs, problems will arise. I guess the true key is to talk to each other honestly, openly and often. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was a truly successful marriage. -- Understanding and Empathy Are Key

• Our story is very different from yours. Both of our grandparents were married until death. My wife's parents are still married after over 50 years. That is a lot of history and I think it affects us subconsciously.

  My wife and I met at age 15 and got pregnant and married at 19. We moved to Worcester, Mass., where we struggled with no money, no friends and no family to help care for our baby. It wasn't all bliss, but we hung in and took turns going to school nights and eventually established ourselves. If we had stayed in Connecticut, we felt we would have always been somebody's kid. We had two more kids in eight years and both got our degrees.

  One of our secrets is: We go out to eat once a week alone. There were times when it was fast food or just an appetizer. We called it our "Executive Committee Meeting." We hammered out our relationship without kids present in a setting where we couldn't really fight with fists. The practice has endured for nearly thirty years. -- Going for 50+

• Keep a sense of humor and try not to take things too seriously. Each day try to do one thing for your partner for no reason other than love. It is meant as a random act of kindness, not for recognition or for the same in return. It's a mean of keeping you both working at your marriage. Just like that friend you fail to keep in touch with, your marriage can get "out of touch," too. We got the advice about the daily acts of kindness while on our honeymoon and promptly took it to heart. Some examples are: turning the bed down, love notes in the briefcase or lunch, filling the gas tank and washing the car .-- Random Acts of Kindness

• Shortly after our marriage, I was injured and the previous year my wife had a similar injury. She went through torment with the doctor not finding anything, so after awhile her family began to believe it was all in her head. I knew the symptoms and could tell she was in pain. My injury was more severe and neither of us was able to work. We amazed friends and family that after five years we were still happy. We enjoyed the time together while the kids were in school. Most important, when she was able to return to work and I could not, she understood my pain because she had experienced it.

  We deeply love and respect each other and never take cheap shots. Every six months we have a good blow-out; otherwise we never argue. No matter what we've had to face, we have stood together. I know this woman is mine to grow old with.

  One of our secrets is that we love being alone together. We are happier now than ever. Too many people race to divorce instead of trying hard and working things out. Hard is what makes anything worth doing great. -- Work Through the Painful Times

• My husband and I keep our sanity (and our relationship) amidst two very active, young children by having dinner together one or two nights a week AFTER the kids have been fed and bathed. Because dinnertime is a hectic, stressful time, our efforts to enjoy this family experience are really pathetic. We have surrendered to the fact that this supposed quality time is more of a survival test, what with peas going in every direction and someone crying every 10 minutes.

  We actually stumbled onto the "just us" dinner by accident, but it works well. Our younger daughter goes to sleep early and the older one loves to watch videos. Once they are settled, my husband and I can actually have a conversation without interruption. What a luxury! -- We Dine Later

• Life is not easy, and many people think that if you are married it will be easier. It is tempting to put that burden on a marriage and blame the other person when life is still just as hard. When this happen, people sometimes think they've married the wrong person. Maybe that's why the divorce rate is so high.

  I've only been married five years; in many ways the five hardest years of my life. We have had many stressful experiences that have tested us beyond what I believed possible. I know that what keeps our marriage healthy and strong is our mutual faith. God is bigger than any problem we can encounter on this earth. When I find fault in my husband, it always comes to my mind that only God is perfect and I need to turn to Him with my burdens. My husband and I are grateful that we have our faith to guide us through the good and bad times in our life together as man and wife. -- Find Strength in Faith

• If we have an argument, we settle it and make up before we go to sleep.-- Don't Go To Bed Mad

• We tell each other every day that we love one another and we hug and kiss a lot. We talk over everything. We've been together for 13 years and are best friends. -- Be Best Friends

• My first marriage was built on hopes, dreams, and expectations. Disappointment was inevitable. My second marriage, (after being alone with my kids for 10 years), is built on an adult decision and commitment. Love was a factor in both marriages, so that hasn't changed. It's the other elements that have made all the difference. When I married again, I made a decision to do so, and to work at the hard stuff. When I get mad, I try to focus in the direction of how to work this out, not how to "get" out, or get my own way. I made a decision to love him as he is, not as I would have him be. So, when I get annoyed at what he isn't, (which happens), I still love him. And eventually what he IS becomes exactly why I married him in the first place. -- Love Him As He Is

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.