06/30/98

Taking Care of Our Parents.

In responce to Party Hats

For those of us who still turn to our parents for advice and moral or financial support, it's hard to imagine a time when we will become "parents" to them. Many readers wrote to me about this role reversal, which often occurs when a parent or other relative contracts Alzheimer's or Parkinson's.

- My mom, wrote one reader, has Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home for the second time. Dad, in total denial, thinks he and no one else can take care of her. He openly defies rules and regulations of the nursing homes. He told a judge that he doesn't trust family members, so the judge appointed one of his friends as conservator over person and finances, leading to a two year nightmare until the conservator resigned and I was made co-conservator with my Dad. Social Services eventually placed Mom with me for several months, where I lived many "36 hour days" before she returned to nursing home care. Dad still says he intends to get her out, even though he now shows signs of Alzheimer's himself. (I can't get him to see a doctor.) My family has received considerable help through counseling.
--Select a Conservator to Handle Legal Matters

- We have a beloved Uncle who is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. He is a man who would have made a perfect father, but he never married. While I was growing up, I remember him as loving happy visitor during summer vacations. He gave me great books to read, spent time telling me stories and gave me a ten-year subscription to National Geographic when I was a young girl who wanted to see the world.

I still love him as much as I did then, even though his memory is fading. He repeats things as if he's saying them for the first time. His sense of humor is still intact and he loves to play with my>children. I'm thankful that they will be able to be with him during weekly visits. I am resolved to be a good and loving niece to him, to repay him for all the love and kindness he showed me. I have only just started taking an interest in learning more about this debilitating, thief of a disease.

My grandfather also had Alzheimer's, so we wonder whether other aunts and uncles will get it, too. Are there familial links to this disease? Are there medications that help people with Alzheimer's? I want to help if I can, rather than be a bystander while this disease robs me of my favorite storyteller and uncle.
-- Is Alzheimer's Hereditary?

- My father was diagnosed about two years ago with Alzheimer's. I have watched him change from a strong, intelligent electrical engineer to someone who is afraid of losing his mind and life. It started with forgetting where he laid down his tools at work. He was experiencing some dizziness, depression, crying spells and trouble computing or using a calculator.

I informed my mother about it and also told my father's employer (in private). I work with my father so I was concerned that he might hurt himself, since we work every day with high voltage and on tall ladders, where the mind needs to be clear and alert. My mother had noticed changes, too.

Over several years his symptoms progressed to paranoia, bad memory and a lost sense of direction. Doctors diagnosed him with everything from a sleeping disorder to Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). They just weren't sure what was wrong with him. When the family doctor decided to check him for Alzheimer's the tests came back positive. After that he was disabled from work and now stays at home.

It is sad to see him in a state where you talk to him and it's like he's not even in the room. I see my father almost every day to help him with everyday tasks around the house. He still confides in me about how insecure he feels about what is going on in his life. We sit and talk together, which usually end with both of us crying, but after that we at least feel better.

I want to thank you for the stories about this on the Internet. It's a good source for learning about what my family will have to endure in the future.
-- Be Aware of Safety Concerns

- My mom is in the early stages of an Alzheimer's type dementia. It gave me some comfort to learn that about 40-50% of people her age have evidence of some dementia, so we are not alone. When I was first told the diagnosis, it brought tears to my eyes, although deep inside I already knew. Since then, I've come to grips with it. My siblings and I are working out what to do for her. I'm getting over the guilt of realizing that she may need to leave her home of 50+ years to live in am nursing home. She has quietly and with great dignity let me know that she will let me decide what's best. What a gift that was.
-- Share the Decision-making

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.