07/17/98

Comments About Healthy Divorce.

In response to Secrets of a Healthy Divorce

Most readers reacted to the phrase "healthy divorce" as a contradictionin terms. Several of their comments follow.

- I don't know of any healthy divorce. It may be healthy for the adults, but there are not enough solutions when children are involved. I have read articles by professionals who say it doesn't hurt the children in the long haul. As compared to what? The children are jerked between households week to week. All this as a result of two adults who could not get along and are now trying to teach their children to get along, under two systems of rules in two different homes. The sad part is that the children don't have a say in this dilemma, yet it is their lives that are affected the most. I would like to see someone write about the issue with the children's input as to how divorce could be done best.
-- Ask the Children What They Want

- On the topic of a friendly divorce: if the parties involved can get along well enough to talk civilly about their joint issues, wouldn't they also have a good chance of working their problems out and staying together? Think of what that would teach children -- that we honor our commitments and not everything revolves around me, me, me. Since most second marriages don't have any better chance than first ones, shouldn't that make people stop and think? Are therapists afraid to encourage people to stay together? I hear people say that they couldn't grow in their marriages and they were unable to be themselves. How about rising above the self? Divorce should only be an option for those suffering from abuse, because cases like that probably won't be resolved in mediation.,br> -- Use Mediation to Stay Together!

- When my parents divorced they stayed in the same town. I lived with my Mom one week and my Dad the next. It was great because I didn't lose either one of my parents like so many of my friends did. I know why they divorced and I'm glad they did.
-- Kids don't want to lose Either Parent

- First, I want to say how glad I am for all the happy couples out there. What ticks me off are all the boyfriends and girlfriends who break up and make up like alternators; and the married couples who divorce on a whim, not realizing what they're giving up. They only see what separates them. Some of us aren't lucky enough to have someone special in the passenger seat next to us.
I'm a textbook potential partner. 28 years old, fit, intelligent, employed and high on life. But finding an available woman my age in Fairfield County is like trying to find the Titanic in New York Harbor. And who knows what lurks behind those dainty singles ads in the Personal columns? Maybe I'm a bit too strong in my convictions to ever collide with the Ms. Meteorite of my dreams.
From this branded bachelor to all you couples: Cherish what you have; work it out; and don't give up. In a relationship, anything can be overcome. -- This Bachelor Wants a Mate

- If the divorced can't stand each other, that's their problem. Don't mix the children up in it. My ex remarried a Jamaican lady who our children adore. I couldn't ask for a better stepmother. Grown-ups need to be grown-ups and let the innocent children breathe easy and have the life they deserve. Life is too short to be irresponsible and unaccountable for grown-up decisions.
-- Don't Bring the Children into It

- No matter how you slice it, "mediation" and "collaborative law" mean money in someone else's pocket. It's just an angle to squeeze money out of a broken marriage.
Instead of spending time and money on divorce, why not solve the problems in a troubled marriage? A program called retrouvaille has made an enormous difference in what was my"hanging-by-the-fingernails-miserable" marriage. It's an organization originated in the Catholic Church but now welcomes people of all faiths. I was leery as a Jew married to a non-practicing Catholic, but no one at Retrouvaille preached to me or tried to convert me.
What I found was an enormously supportive group of people willing to teach and share tools to save and heal broken marriages. They focus on teaching communication methods to help open chinks in each partner's armor. They support counseling and other methods. It takes constant work but is a lot better than divorce and definitely worth a try. --Try Retrouvaille

- I divorced my husband after therapy and 13 years of abuse. At first our divorce was to be mediated, and when he found I finally had my own voice he hired himself a good lawyer. It got messy. One and a half years later we were divorced, just before he got a big promotion and raise at work.
I have learned to set boundaries and limits which he must respect. That has helped to make communication clear and less confusing for us and the children. He has chaperoned visits and is not happy with it, but he knows I will fight for the safety and rights of myself and the children.
The key is to abide by the agreement, be flexible only when it is mutually advantageous, and be clear about your needs and the children's needs. He tried to sue me for lessened support a year after the divorce, when I landed a good job. We met over coffee, and I told him, "Lets not make the lawyers rich and play these games. Lets leave the divorce agreement as it is and I won't sue you in a couple years in return." It has worked to abide by the original agreement and nip the divorce games in the bud. The children have learned who their father is through their own experiences with him. I do not sabotage those relationships; in the end he does it himself.
I'm finally happy and remarrying a wonderful man who will be a great stepfather to my two teenage boys!!
-- Once Its Set, Abide by the Agreement

- What an excellent column. While my divorce occurred 15 years ago, it really is a shame that this information wasn't available then. Of course, the parties must have a cooperative attitude for it to work, rather than a "what's in it for me" attitude which too often prevails, especially where there is money involved. Perhaps more suggestions like this can help.
-- A Healthy Attitude Is Essential

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.