07/22/98

Friendly Divorce - Part 2.

In response to Secrets of a Healthy Divorce

Letters continue to roll in about the concept of securing a friendly divorce. With some careful research and cooperation from her estranged spouse, one enterprising reader managed to obtain a divorce for $650. Here's how she did it.

- Thankfully, I went through a painless divorce with the cooperation of my ex-husband. We went the pro-se route when the time came to make it official. I had already read a few books on do-it-yourself divorce and had written a marital settlement agreement that we both signed before selling our home, splitting the proceeds and going our separate ways. The book, called "Divorce Yourself," was of great help. I deliberately wrote the agreement with an eye to including it in divorce proceedings to make the process as quick, low cost and painless as possible. I sought a lawyer's advice to guide me through the murky corridors of the paperwork jungle, which I count as money well spent. All in all, it cost about $650 for our divorce ($400 for the pro-se specialist lawyer, who reviewed procedures and paperwork), and $150 for court costs.
Of course this would not have been possible without the cooperation of both of us. My ex-husband and I did not have much in the way of assets. We were able to agree on the division of property, and that I would retain custody of our teenage son, with liberal visitation. I would highly recommend to any couple that has reached a mutual conclusion that it's time to move one, that one of them initiate proceedings on a pro-se basis with the advice of a specialist in pro-se cases. The savings can be astronomical and you part as friends, not adversaries. In my experience female lawyers were more open to the pro-se approach; the male lawyers I contacted actively discouraged my pro-se efforts.
I'll never forget sitting in that courtroom all by myself, going through the brief proceedings with the judge (who was also agreeable to the pro-se process). It was a sad day, but when I looked at the other divorcing couples in the courtroom that day, dealing with lawyers, last-minute changes in arrangements, etc., I could only be grateful that I didn't have to go that route. It's not easy, but anyone determined and willing to make several trips to the courthouse to deliver papers (that's mostly what you're paying lawyers to do) will find the pro-se divorce most worthwhile. Keep encouraging a cooperative, not combative, parting of the ways. It's the best way for the family to remain on friendly terms.
--- Seek a Pro-se Divorce

- I was divorced two years ago (says another reader), and my ex-husband and I have remained friends. We share joint custody of our three children, take them out together, attend school functions and conferences together, and spend many evenings just talking. I am buying a house for me and the children, and my ex will be renting my workshed for his business. He and some friends of his will help with renovations to the house to help keep expenses down. We are better friends now than when we were married.,br> After reading the column about friendly divorce I feel better about myself and don't feel like my dependence on him is just fear of letting go. We handled the divorce ourselves with no problems or courtroom battles. And I know I'm not the only person out here who likes her ex. -- Better Friends After the Marriage

- I think talk of friendly divorce is nonsense. How do you explain the astronomical divorce rate today? I say it's due to a lack of maturity or commitment and a terribly selfish attitude on the part of the people involved. When two people marry and they stand before God or the state and pledge thir eternal love, don't they realize that it is a failure on their part if they later choose to ignore those vows, just because they're inconvenient? My wife and I have been married for 20 years. We don't always get along and agree on things. We have a love for each other based on mutual respect; and we know that we will always act in the best interests of our family. Another important factor is no fooling around. I have not gone out on or cheated on my wife since we went steady. How can a relationship be based on less?
-- Respect and Commitment Are Essential

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.