12/18/98

Dual Careers and Family

... in response to "When Less Is More" (11/13/98)

Very few readers seem to long for the good old days when families got by on one salary. From an historical perspective, the one salary family occupies a very short period in our history (approximately one generation after the end of World War II). Otherwise adults as well as older children all worked to run the farm or the family business or the community. Consider the following perspectives from several different families:

One-Earner Families are Historical Exceptions

"Whenever I hear someone reminiscing about the good old days, when a father's income provided for the whole family, I wonder if the person is remembering his or her own childhood or is merely buying the myth that one-income families existed outside the brief period after World War II. As I understand the history of the family, from Prehistory to the Industrial Age, both parents and any available children worked the fields to provide for themselves. The few non-farming families also worked two jobs. They also had other chores, such as keeping a fire lit, hauling water from the well, preparing food and making clothing from scratch.

"Once the Industrial Revolution was in full swing, the poor farmers became poor laborers, again employing both parents and all available children. Laws had to be passed to keep children from dying in unsafe workplaces. Two-plus income families existed until the Depression, when no-income families became the norm. After recovery from the Depression, we geared up for World War II, when Rosie the Riveter encouraged women back into the factories.

"Only after World War II, when the vast influx of unemployed veterans, combined with the idea that women were taking jobs away from them, created an artificial one-income family. Through most of our history, both parents have worked to create wealth and support the family, just like parents are doing now."

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Set Priorities and Spend Quality Time with Children

"As a single parent of a seven-year-old, I have no choice but to work full time. Over the past five years there were times when I held down a full-time job in a hospital, plus two part-time jobs.

"Even though my son and I have limited time together, the quality of that time is as good as we can make it. I've learned to organize my time so that I do household chores after my son goes to bed. We cook the meals together and he helps clean up the dishes.

"My son attends before and after school daycare, but I don't feel guilty about it. Staying home is not a possibility for me. Because I work hard, we have a roof over our heads, food on our plates and summer vacations. My son is a wonderful boy and, despite our limited time together, we are best friends.

"We have a "hugging step" that we sit on every morning before setting off to work and school. Our motto is, "There's always time for a hug." (A great way to stall for an extra few minutes at bedtime, too!) This is one of the little things that keeps us going.

"We play tag together, go sliding, ride bikes at the park and roll in the leaves. Today is for my son; tomorrow (or maybe the day after) is for all that cleaning."

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Parents Need Time for Each Other, Too

"What got lost in our house was time spent together as husband and wife. We can't really afford the essentials unless we both work. Then when I needed work done on my teeth, I took a second job to pay for it.

"My husband got even more lost. We arranged to work different hours, so one of us could be home with the kids. The kids haven't suffered in the least, but I hope when the kids are grown, my husband and I haven't become total strangers.

"My husband has learned to do all the domestic chores when he's home and is happy to do them. We have great family times, too, playing board games, having campfires and marshmallow roasts in the backyard, playing and listening to music, evenings with extended family and reading together.

"We know we'll look back on these years as short-lived and be stronger having gone through them together."

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Time to Volunteer

"When I worked outside the house full-time, then three-quarter time, the housework, cooking, sleep, adult company all took a hit. Ultimately, the added complexities with the kids forced me to quit.

"While I hate not working (for my sake), I know my kids are better off. Also I'm lucky that I have a husband whose salary has increased enough to offset what I made. And we make do with old cars and less extravagant vacations. One of the personal rewards for me is that I now have time for volunteer work without taking time away from the kids."

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Plan Ahead to Reduce Stress

"We found dinner preparation time the most stressful in our family; we had to make some adjustments. So on weekends we spend time planning the week's meals before we go food shopping. There's room for compromise; it's a nice way to get "buy in;" and there are fewer complaints when the veggies are served up later. With ingredients on hand, there's no last minute rush to the store in the middle of the week. We've also made efforts to find recipes that can be prepared in one pan to reduce clean-up time.

"The results? Less craziness during mealtimes; no more speeding home and sweating over what to prepare each evening; more time for each other; and everyone's involved in the solution."

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Dual Career Families Can Succeed

"I think it's possible to have dual careers and happy, well adjusted kids at the same time. My kids have had the same family daycare provider for 10 years. Over time this person has become almost like a grandmother to them. I think this type of stability is very important.

"We keep extracurricular activities to a minimum so that we can spend our evenings having dinner as a family. We do not overindulge our girls with toys to make up for missed time with Mom and Dad. Instead we try to spend as much time together as possible doing simple things like reading, playing games, going for walks, etc.

"I see many kids with stay-at-home moms running themselves ragged because they are being shuffled from one activity to the next and don't spend much time alone as a family. There are so many demands put on kids today that there is real danger of burning them out. I don't think the answer is for all moms to stay at home. It would be terrible to go back to the days when this was expected of a mother. Situations and people are different. Some people can juggle multiple responsibilities, others cannot. We need to stop trying to push our kids (or ourselves) into being overachievers."

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Close Stores on Major Holidays

"It would be interesting to find out what people think about stores being open on holidays, such as Thanksgiving, Easter and July 4th. I think that all stores should be closed so that store employees can spend time with family and friends."

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