01/22/99

Building Trust with Children

... in response to "A Velvet Tether" (1/8/99)

Parents frequently express surprise about how young their children are when they begin to play with the meanings of words and the power their words have over others. To most children it is a delicious discovery! Readers recognize that patient listening, clarification and a non-judgmental attitude often helps them through the rough spots, as illustrated in their comments below:

Listen for the Unspoken Messages, Too

"Your article about trust hit close to home. I'm struggling to explain to my 6-year-old daughter that when she fails to tell the WHOLE story, she can cause the thoughts of someone else to turn in a completely different direction. Here's what happened:

I'm divorced and recently remarried. My daughter spends two days each week with her father. When she comes home she expresses dissatisfaction with the amount of attention her father gives her, or the way his live-in girlfriend treats her. The latest complaint was her feeling that the girlfriend was taking Daddy away from her, because he watched movies with the girlfriend instead of spending his special "movie night" with her.

"I explained to my daughter that she should tell her father how much the "movie night" meant to her and that she missed that special activity with him. She told him.

"The following Wednesday I asked her whether her father had reinstated "movie night" the previous day. She told me that he had not done so, because he was too busy. After discussions with her about activities at her father's, it later came out that she had watched a videotape with him, but "it wasn't the same, because he didn't make popcorn or show her the yo-yo tricks from the video." She led me to believe that he had not put forth the effort with her, when he had.

"We talked further about trust as it related to her lack of complete honesty and how easily her first statements could have created a problem if I had called her father to ask why he hadn't made an effort to respond to his daughter's request.

"I have a hard time believing that a 6-year-old could knowingly manipulate "the sides" already; I might expect it from a teenager. I loved the way the velvet ribbon showed the symbolism of trust in your article."

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Children must Pay Consequences for Misbehavior

"The velvet ribbon seemed like a good way to teach trust, especially in someone so young. But today, in all ages, I have seen mothers dismiss stealing casually with a comment that it's not right, but the child gets to keep whatever was stolen. The first time I observed this, I was horrified, but it reminded me of how my mother corrected a similar situation.

"She found something I had stolen from a store. She didn't rant and rave at me; she made me get my coat on, and we walked to the store, where I apologized and promised I would never do it again. On the way home she told me that she knew how hard it was for me to do it, but there are always consequences for our actions -- good or bad. We have to realize that if we do something wrong, we have to be willing to pay the consequences.

"I never took another item that wasn't mine. We have to teach today's children the same lesson. I recently read a study about teens that reported 80% of those interviewed saw nothing wrong with cheating in school. If that's true, we, as parents, are doing something wrong."

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Teach Children that Lying is Wrong

"As I read the story about trust, I noticed that you didn't use the word "lie" in place of the word "trust." How do you address the concept that it is "lying" that needs to be explained to a child? The difference between truth and lying is the real underlying problem. I'm from the old school and think we still need to teach children that outright lying is wrong."

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Respectfully Search for the Truth

"I'm a mom of two children, an 11 year old boy and an 8 year old girl. The concept of lying has been a difficult one to work through, but the process has been rewarding, because the lessons have been few and long-lasting.

"When my son was in 4th grade he was falsely accused by a fellow classmate and her father. At first my son's Dad approached him to let him know how much we loved him. We told him that in order to help him it was important that he tell us the truth. We would help him and stand by him even if he did something wrong. That did not mean that if he was wrong we would get him out of trouble. All actions have consequences, but we would help him to right his wrong if that were the case. As it turned out, he was absolutely wrongly accused, as the classmate and her Mom admitted. They did not admit this, of course, until we involved my son's teacher, principal, nurse and the school social worker. They were all able to support my son's honesty, strong character and trustworthiness, in writing. That is what ultimately brought out the truth.

"We all learned a lot. The situation was initially very painful because the classmate's father was very angry and mean. But we stood by what we knew to be the truth -- ultimately coming out ahead."

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Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.