02/26/99

Parents and Schools

... in response to "Paying Lip Service to Parent Involvement" (2/19/99)

Schooling is an intensely personal enterprise. We've all been through it and vividly remember extremes of personal brilliance and ignorance, inspirational and dull teaching, aloof and friendly principals, lax and dictatorial disciplinarians, delicious and mysterious foods ... and the relief of summers ... that gradually became so boring, we eagerly returned to the roller coaster every fall. So when we go back to schools as parents, teachers and administrators, our personal memories return with us to muddy the waters of communication about our children. We want the ride to be less bumpy for them.

Reader comments about home/school communication and collaboration reflect the strong emotions we all bring to this critically important task of educating our children. In my view, controversy and debate can serve a useful purpose, as long as constructive solutions for children are the result.

Administrative Self-importance Alienates Parents

"In my experience, school administrators are not receptive to parental suggestions. Other parents I've talked to agree with me that most administrators want 100% support from parents, definitely not parents' ideas.

"Example: I attended a PTA meeting discussion about how to spend a substantial amount of money. Parent ideas were solicited with a vote to follow. I suggested the money go toward the performance of student plays, because such projects involve learning for children in so many ways (language, set building, math, art, cooperation). It would also be another way of drawing parents into the school. The principal wouldn't even let my suggestion come to a vote; he flatly stated that it was inappropriate.

"Another parent suggested that the PTA purchase a new U.S. flag for the school courtyard. I volunteered to contact the politician who had donated the first one and said I would arrange a nice media event for some positive publicity. The principal and parents approved. Later, after I had arranged the whole thing, I contacted the principal to confirm dates. He said, "I already bought the flag. We don't need that anymore." When school administrators are into "self-importance," it's hard for parents to get successfully involved."

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Parents need information and support, not parent-bashing

"My seven-year-old son was not diagnosed when I asked. Instead I was told he had a low IQ, so I needed to adjust my expectations. Later, when more testing was done, we learned that his IQ was average and his gifts were being held back at our neighborhood public school. Our son had become depressed and suicidal.

"We are a normal family. I'm a stay-at-home mom, and my husband works hard to make that possible. The thought of losing our son to problems in public school has been overwhelming. Our child has had to be in therapy and on medications for the misdiagnosis.

"I often hear people at meetings say that parents don't care and are not involved. Parents need information and community support; not parent-bashing. I know my frustrations are showing, but our family, unfortunately, is one of the families that has met with hostility from the school. I believe in public education; I was raised by a public education teacher. It is time for educators to remember who they are working for and to stop letting the people down who are counting on them."

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Let Teachers Teach and Parents Parent

"With regard to the parent/teacher involvement problem, the mistake was made way back at the inception of the PTA. Teachers should never have allowed parents to become involved in teaching, except at home; parents should be in the school by appointment only.

"Unions were weak in those days and principals let everyone down by letting parents stick their noses where they didn't belong. In 42 years as a skilled tradesman, not once did I ever get helpful advice from anyone who wasn't connected with my work. Teachers should be left alone to teach and parents should support them 100% by staying home and providing a stable, safe place for kids to mature at their own rate. Forget the cupcake sales and get back to teaching."

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Parental Denial of Problems Interferes with Good Decision Making

"I teach in a boarding school, and one of our major problems is the parent who refuses to have their child tested, or the parent who denies test findings. One of my advisees was taken off Ritalin by his father, despite clear evidence that when her took the medication his grades were average, but for the three years he's been in his father's care, his grades have dropped to four failures and one pass. The boy now feels he's too stupid for school and is planning to drop out altogether. I know a girl who is in the same situation. School administrators cannot force families to comply with the recommendations of experts. Our only recourse is to refuse re-enrollment to a family, unless they follow a supervised regime of medication and evaluation of their child.

"Families who don't like what they hear will move a child from one school to another - a disastrous situation for the child. The primary burden is on parents to be realistic about their children. Only then can they make responsible and supportive decisions."

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Hold Your Children Accountable

"I have been a teacher for two years. Most parents I meet with are nice and understanding. But the parents of problem kids are usually no better than their kids! They say they're involved, but I don't believe the involvement is consistent. Example: "Hi, son. What did you do in school today?" "Not much." "Did you do your homework?" "Yes." Here is the next key response: "Well then, let me check it over." Parents don't have to know about the subject, but any average adult can look through a book and check for correct answers and complete sentences. Sadly, this is hardly done and the student gets away with a simple "yes" response to the obligatory homework question."

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Consult a Parent Advocacy Group

"There are a number of advocacy groups that will assist parents in assuring that the needs of their student are met. Sometimes we all need a helping hand to get things done."

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Listen to All Sides before Drawing Conclusions

"As a public school administrator, I agree that we need to be ever mindful of the need to constantly work to bring parents to the center of things. Parents are key. However, the example you cited troubled me. I wondered what the school people had to say about the fact that the mother found an outside evaluator to find evidence of a learning disability. If a parent shops around long enough, they can find a "hired gun" to say just about anything.

"Secondly, after four or five years of marginal progress, for whatever reason, a discrepancy between ability and performance is bound to crop up. Does this mean the boy was misdiagnosed from the start? Perhaps not.

"Maybe the mother has long been "blind" to the fact that her son is emotionally disturbed. No parent wants to hear this. But I have worked with parent who have raised their children to be entitled, irresponsible, dependent, avoidant and disrespectful. Then, when the child inevitably runs into trouble -- be it poor school performance, legal trouble, relationship problems or substance abuse -- they scramble to find a "reason" why. So they find a professional to say that the school mishandled things. This avoidance of responsibility on the part of the parent underscores the same pattern of behavior in the child, and so it goes.

"On the other hand, in your example, it could well be that the school professionals dropped the ball. You can't listen only to the parent's version and draw clear conclusions. I know this from working for ten years as the director of a clinical day school program for troubled students. It was not uncommon for parents to bring children to us because other institutions had let them down. We were able to work quite successfully with these parents and students. Much of the work involved comprehensive evaluations and then a process of accepting responsibility for themselves, their behavior and their predicament."

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Parents, Remain Calm and Persistent

"Although my child did not have a learning disability or an attention deficit disorder that could be "labeled," she was often distracted. Certain situations, such as who she sat near in class, had a great effect on whether or not she listened to teacher directions. Only after persistent conversations with teachers and administrators, was I finally considered one of the "experts" who knew something about my child. Although it took five years, I now have cooperation and things are going very well. You are right when you say, "When a child fails, we all lose."

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.