07/23/99

Instilling Self-Esteem

"Hitting the Wall" has generated many comments about the elusive process of self-esteem development, including questions about personal vulnerability under stress. What are some of the factors pivotal to your ability to stay cool in tough situations? Reader perceptions include the following:

Self-esteem is Earned, not Given

"I liked your story about your son "hitting the wall" and coming back stronger for it. I do wonder about one statement in the article, though. If self-esteem is belief in oneself and one's abilities, then is "giving self-esteem to others" even a possibility?

"I've always believed that another person can affect self-esteem in only two ways: tear it down or provide an opportunity to discover it, but not give it to someone, since it is an internal feeling. The theory that adults must give children self-esteem is actually counter-productive. Being congratulated, rewarded and patted on the back is not what builds self-esteem, because self-esteem is something earned.

"This is a subtle but important distinction. So often through my children's public education experiences, my children and I have seen the "give your child self-esteem" approach, coupled with advice to praise children for small steps and make sure to give them positive experiences. Public education focuses so highly on "giving" self-esteem that it actually can have the opposite effect. Children know when they have earned praise and when their efforts have resulted in success. When they are praised or rewarded for effort they did not expend, that praise is hollow and demeaning. I believe this to be a major force behind smart kids failing in school.

"Getting an "A" for schoolwork not worth doing leaves a bitter taste. I don't fall into the category of "gifted," but I'm not dumb either. I've felt the alienating effect of getting good grades for stupid work. As a result, I had very little self-esteem as a public school student. Not until I went to college and found honest-to-goodness academic challenges did I have any belief in my own abilities, because I knew I had been successful in the face of a strong challenge. Adults can provide the opportunity for a child to earn self-esteem, but an adult cannot give a child something so intangible as self-esteem."

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Birth Brought Us out of our Grief

"Those of us who have too much self-esteem quickly find that we can't manage this journey through life alone and soon meet our own "walls." Those who ask for assistance and receive it are very fortunate indeed. And to be able to give someone that added boost is extremely gratifying, at least to me. "No man is an island," certainly runs true, for we are all in this life together. In our family, the birth of a granddaughter has brought our family close together again. She brings us into the sunshine and puts smiles on our faces."

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Spreading the Load

"Thanks, Beth. You have a way of finding that rare point of view that, at the same time, has a broad horizon yet enough detail to navigate this messy miracle we call life. An uncommon art and one all cultures need in their wise men or women. My daughter is going through a "wall thing." I tell her that when the ice is thin it is okay to be down on all fours. It spreads the load, lets you see the problem better and, more, brings you back to earth. Not a bad thing. We fly in our dreams, but flapping on thin ice gets us cold and wet or worse. Sometimes it's better to use your arms to reach for help."

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Children Rise to Higher Expectations

"This is my daughter's first year in a public school, as an 8th grader. Her only weak subject is math. But the principal grouped her with students who cannot read well and do not want to learn. There have even been students expelled from her class due to threats. Today my daughter has lower self-esteem and little confidence in herself, because of the attitudes of the students around her. I have decided to demand another Planning and Placement Team (PPT) meeting. I think I have a right to request a change in placement for her, into a more positive peer group with a higher educational challenge."

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Success is its own reward

"My first grade son had just taken his first spelling test. Unfortunately he didn't get any of the six words correct. However, he tried hard and his father and I recognized his effort. The teacher gave each child an M&M for every correctly spelled word, so my son didn't get any. When I picked him up at school he completely broke down. Between sobs he told me how embarrassed he was because he was the only child who didn't get any candy. "Now all the kids know how stupid I am," he said.

"I explained to him that he wasn't stupid, and that we would work hard together to help him improve his scores for the next test. We worked on two words every night until test day. He was nervous but confident. "I hope I get six M&Ms." I was sorry to hear him say that because I was hoping he would realize that improvement on his spelling test was more important.

"When I picked him up that afternoon, he came running out of his classroom with a big grin on his face. He had only missed one word. He was very proud of himself. When I asked if he got his M&M's he said, "I forgot to go to the teacher's desk to get them. I was so excited to get so many right! Now the kids know I can be smart, too."

"I smiled and told him that the best achievements are the one's we work hardest to get. He said, "I like the way I feel. Next week I'm going to try and get all six words right." I was so happy that the feeling of humiliation from the week before had been replaced with confidence in himself. In my opinion, candy wasn't needed as a motivator. I think children are satisfied when they succeed; that may be the only reward they need. Positive self-esteem lasts much longer than a piece of candy."

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.