3/13/2000

Opinions about Grandparents' Rights

In response to Grandparent's Visitation Rights ...

The Supreme Court's decision about grandparents' visitation rights will be of importance to families everywhere and will not be an easy decision to make. People generally prefer to keep the courts out of family matters, but circumstances sometimes demand arbitration from an objective third party. Feelings about the issues involved run strong among SNET readers, as noted below.

RESPECTFUL GRANDCHILD: The decision about grandparents' visitation rights will probably split the country like Roe vs. Wade, depending on the age and gender of the grandparent. I'm intelligent enough to know that this may not be a win/win situation, but an "everybody loses" situation. My background taught me to revere my elders. At one time or another we lived with my parents and grandparents. My paternal grandparents were both immigrants from Italy. My maternal grandparents (one native American and the other born and raised in Maine) were hard working and being with them gives me only found happy memories. Roots and love are important ... and overcome many obstacles.

PARENT RIGHTS COME FIRST: I just wanted to comment on the article about so-called "grandparents' rights." First, I wish to state unequivocally, that I believe this concept to be a total fallacy. I don't believe anyone has rights that take precedence over a parent's rights with regard to their own children. (This is assuming, of course, that the parents did not relinquish their rights by abusing, neglecting, or otherwise abandoning their children.)

As a father of two, I make decisions on a daily basis that impact the health and well-being of my children. I would, if necessary, restrict my childrens' interaction with anyone I felt might harm them, including their grandparents. In fact, my wife and I have had to make this very difficult decision with our children. We are not right-wing extremists that feel we need to isolate our children in order to keep them from harm. We would love to have a united, happy extended family, but this is just not always possible.

At present, my father-in-law is denying a battle with alcoholism. My own mother abandoned my brother and me when my parents divorced some 17 years ago. We have chosen not to allow our children to interact with these two people for what we feel to be in our childrens' best interest. Should either of these "grandparents" choose to pursue litigation to see our children, we would fight it. What possible good could come of pitting these two parties against one another? Even considering their circumstances, they would likely be denied visitation, but at what emotional and financial cost? I realize that my situation is only an isolated case, but what kind of statement are we making about parents' rights to protect their children?

Another question I have is: What kind of scientific data have we collected to prove that a lack of visitation by any extended family has any impact on a child's health and welfare? What about a child whose grandparents died before the child was born or at any early age? Do these children grow up to be maladjusted social psychopaths? Of course not! What about children whose grandparents live in another state and rarely visit? Do these children require an inordinate amount of psychological or medicinal therapies? I think not.

The basic family unit is one of the last vestiges of traditional human decency that politicians and the government have not been able to infiltrate. Let us not allow lawyers to pervert the basic parent-child relationship into something unrecognizable. If grandparents have to sue to be able to see their grandchildren, we must first ask why the parents do not want to foster this relationship in the first place. Will imposing the will of the courts on parents really benefit the children in any way? The thought of "grandparents' rights" taking precedence over a parent's right to do what they feel is best for their children is absurd.

GRANDPARENTS SHOULDN'T TAKE SIDES: I can't imagine not being able to see my grandchildren. The hurt would be unbelievable, but because seven of the eight are step-grandchildren (it is only a word--they are mine in every sense of the word), I have made sure to bond with my stepchildren.

They know, without question, just how important they are to me but I have known cases where grandparents have taken sides, sometimes very unfairly, and used the kids just as fighting parents often use their kids to hurt the other parent. This is not only unfair and childish but only hurts the children in the end. Some people get so consumed by hate that they don't think rationally.

I think this is what makes the decision so difficult. If we grandparents could just keep our mouths shut and provide love and stability for kids already hurting, this problem would probably go away by itself for the most part.

If you print this, maybe some grandparents will see it and re-evaluate their position and provide the loving care their grandchildren need and leave the judgments to someone who hasn't anything better to do.

JEALOUSY GETS IN THE WAY: I have been following your articles concerning grandparents' visitation rights. I have a motive to protect my rights because my own daughter and her husband have refused to let me see my granddaughter. They finally came around to the agreement that I could visit in their home on their terms. The kick was that they were moving to Tennessee and taking her away.

I firmly believe that my daughter is jealous of the relationship I have with her daughter. It is different. I do not deny this fact, but I am older, financially secure and have more time (because of my job) to spend with my granddaughter. My granddaughter reaches for me and says, "I wanna go with Gamma." Why do two people who love each other have to endure such pain? Keep up the good work; I want to read about every step that is being made to solve this injustice.

REDUCE GOVERNMENTAL CONTROL: Like most arguments, there are valid points to each side of the debate. What troubles me most about this issue is that we, as a people, are willing to relinquish more of our individual rights to the government's control.

As a parent, if for some reason I decide that my children should not see someone, why would the courts have the right to overturn my decision? Would the courts be willing to be held accountable for the potential consequences of their decisions? Why should we be willing to believe that the court's decisions would be better than a parents? We should keep in mind that this is the same system that has seen children sent into adoption, only to change years later and overturn decisions, compelling children to be torn from those they have grown up with and loved, to be returned to their supposedly rehabilitated , now acceptable biological parents or to whomever the court now feels is more appropriate. Absurd.

GRANDPARENTS DESERVE VISITATION RIGHTS: My name is Lourdes D. and I do agree with visitation rights for grandparents. My younger brother was killed six years ago. He left behind a wife and two daughters, each of different mothers. My sister-in-law has kept my niece away from my father and myself; only because she found out that we visit the other little girl (my other niece.) I can live with this, but I can see how it hurts my father. He is her grandfather and he should have a right to see her. He lost his youngest son; why should he lose the opportunity to tell his granddaughter how her father was when he was small? It's not fair to my niece that only her half-sister will know what kind of person her father was. How can parents be so selfish? As for me, I will continue to tell my niece about her father and show her pictures. And I pray that one day I will have the opportunity to share them with my other niece.

GRANDPARENTS NEED RIGHTS: I am a grandparent and care giver to my two grandsons. I hope that the court rules in our favor. I find this country has its priorities a little twisted. When a parent dies, who does the system come running to but the grandparents? When the parent cannot take care of the children, who do they call on? Yes, you got it, the grandparents. I had to go to court to battle with DCF (state Department for Children and Families) at a cost of $2,500 to get my two mentally retarded boys out of foster care. At that time they were 2 and 5 years old. They are now 15 and 18 and working in the family business!

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.