08/16/2001

Step Sunday Strikes a Chord

My proposal to dedicate a special day to celebrate stepfamilies generated great interest. Most respondents endorse the idea wholeheartedly; others offered thoughtful counter-proposals, such as celebrating those who choose not to have children. I plan to keep the idea alive throughout the coming year by finding out how to go about making an official proposal for Step Sunday at the national level. I will keep you posted.

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Hi Beth,

I would like to propose a day to honor people like myself, my husband and others who deliberately (and intelligently) CHOSE not to have children. While I do believe, not wholeheartedly, however, that it is probably fulfilling (on Christmas morning, maybe) to be a mother, father, stepmother, stepfather or grandparent, there is plenty to be said for not being any one of those people.

My days and nights have always been delightfully free of the headache-producing sounds of crying, whining and Big Wheels driving up and down my living room floor. I have always been able to go anywhere I want to go, whenever I want to, without worrying about getting home to a baby-sitter who had to be driven home. In essence, life without children has been like one long vacation without any rainy days. Maybe this is why no one has ever thought of honoring parentless people with their own special day. We have not suffered enough.

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Hey girl! Even though my family is the ultimate "Step", we've never been comfortable with the designation. My two elders simply refer to me as "my mother Joyce" and their birth mother as "Mommy". My eldest refers to her step-dad as "Poppie". The confusion only takes place when others meet us. We're comfortable with the traditional holidays, but the time for Step Sunday has definitely come.

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You are definitely right about Step Parents. I am one. It was hard work but fun work. I used much the same explanations you did, such as, "I'm not trying to be your mother. You already have one of those. I am your friend." 29 years later I am reaping the benefits of that time. I have the most loving daughter who says I was a better mother than her real one. We are as close as my own birth children. Celebrate away!

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I like your idea and can understand your feelings, having just read your wonderful book! "Wild Tulips" is a gem, as is the chapter about stepfamilies called "Pumpkin Seeds." I am passing it on to a few people. I love the way you organized your experiences; it really suits my visual style.

When I read your suggestion about Step Sunday I think of 'in-laws' as an often neglected relation, as well, and my ex-inlaws have been so wonderful. I honor them on mothers and fathers day just like parents. Ideally stepparents could be honored the same way, and I see that as the highest honor. My husband has been a stepparent for my grown daughters since they were very young. They now give him a 'real' card on father's day, and that is really the best feeling for him.

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We recognize fathers and mothers. Bonus parents have a difficult time of it. Their effort is worth the recognition. They have a Children's Day in Japan. Here in the U.S., I have heard people say that everyday is Children's Day. Maybe it would be good to consider a "Generic Day." That way everyone would be happy without being branded. The food for "Generic Day" would be vanilla ice cream. The drink would be water (tap water that is).

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It's a good thought. I think personal celebrations are also important. We have a party every year on the date we became a family.

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I liked your personal history of step-parenting very much indeed. I'm one of those peculiar people who doesn't let her kids celebrate Mother's Day. My traditional daughter-in-law does it anyway, but I'm all for acknowledging, respecting and understanding the role stepparents play in our blended family society.

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You certainly hit a nerve with your stepparents article. I was -- I still am -- in a "step" situation that was not quite like yours, but I sensed some commonalities immediately. My sister-in-law was also in such a situation. If I weren't so close to all this, and therefore, quite likely to hurt and/or embarrass people, I would probably write a book about it. On a positive note, my second wife of three years and I are quite happy, and our "stepping" is successful after much meticulous work with relationship building.

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Nice story. I didn't know you had so much experience in the "step" department. I had one stepdaughter and still do today; that was more than I needed. I keep telling God, "No more stepkids!" It worked.

That kid takes more of my effort than six adopted kids because of her alcoholic father who keeps bumping into her life. She moved to the same town where he lives and right back into the dysfunction that her mother took her out of when she was one year old. She has two children, has never been married and has no immediate interest in marrying either "father." One is diligent with fatherhood. The other very neglectful. I've rambled here, but I think this is a good idea. I will pass it on. Probably some politician with step-kids would love to run with this. The governor will sign anything that doesn't cost money. Let's see where it goes in a year.

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Nice idea. I try to put a positive spin on stepparents by borrowing from a recent movie and calling them "Bonus Parents." I wish you success.

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I am in total agreement! While we're at it, can we add foster parents' day and adoptive parents day? For all three groups of folks, who give much more than anyone should expect, everyday, there should be a special place in heaven .

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Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.