04/15/2002

Single Parenting: A Complex Issue

Single parents resent assumptions that their children will fare poorly because of their single parent status. Two-parent households produce troubled children, too. Mostly we need to refrain from offering simplistic formulas about what does and doesn't lead to healthy outcomes for children. Most parents give their best to raising their children. Forums like this one provide space to explore a variety of opinions to consider. Thank you everyone for writing!

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Dear Beth,

When I was in the doctor's office last week, I was appalled by the behavior of three children in the office. They took turns using the wheel chair and racing around the waiting room. For the last few minutes, the mother was at the counter. She totally ignored their behavior, even when they barely miss a patient.

Another gentleman had two young boys with him. They checked everything in the waiting room out plus visiting with me. They were a joy.

Both of these groups of kids were bored—heck, but one group had been taught how to handle the situation while the other group seemed to have been raised by wild animals. Children can be taught to behave.

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You are fortunate to have a supportive mate. But no one decides to conceive and thinks, "Oh well, I think I will go it alone and not have anyone in mind, including the unborn child." That is almost like walking down the isle to get married and being on the cell phone with a divorce lawyer.

Not all of life has the perfect itinerary of a vacation. Plenty of my friends are single parents and their children will end up just fine. In fact I know kids from single parent homes who are doctors, and people from supportive dual-parent homes who are drug addicted.

Two parents are helpful, but it is definitely not doomsday if someone is raised by just a mom or a dad. Get a grip.

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I am a single father of 3 kids ranging in the age from 15 to 19. I was given custody of them six years ago after their mother was charged with neglect, mental abuse and poor morality. My 19-year-old daughter became a modern Cinderella, taking care of her two younger brothers' needs and doing the housework while she tried to maintain herself. Mom did not want to accept the responsibilities of raising them, but made sure she got physical custody of them just for the money she would get from me.

Now that I have custody, it doesn't seem right that she isn't required to contribute one penny for their support. She claims she loves them.

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I am raising my 11-year-old son. His mother is in his life as much as she can be, but I am still the number one caregiver. I am juggling my responsibility for him with my career. I am doing my best.

I am trying to break the ongoing "fatherless kids" cycle so prevalent in my culture. Even though I know we will stumble along the way, I am at least not making the same mistakes as my father. I am here and showing my son responsibility.

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Addressing the bigger issue here relative to children of divorced parents (at least in CT) is the fact that while it is virtually a fait accompli that joint "legal" custody is awarded in a divorce to both parties, the mother is 99% of the time awarded primary "physical" custody. What this simple fact sets up is that the majority of time will be spent with the mother. You can talk about "quality" time. But if you're talking about raising children, it is time and plenty of it that makes the difference and not simply being available or only being allowed (which is far more likely in a non-custodial role, typically the father) for the vacations or the Wednesday night dinner and Friday to Sunday every other weekend.

Many states now award joint physical custody as a matter of course. What this changes is the dynamic of "visitation." To me, the father of a beautiful nine-year-old daughter, why is it that prior to a divorce your children "live" with you but post divorce (for the non-custodial parent) they only "visit" you?

In the paradigm of joint physical custody each parent shares the upbringing of the child, with the child spending a substantial block of time with each parent. This goes a long way toward making both parents feel like... (surprise) parents!

Unfortunately, many men are working extraordinarily hard to stay in their children's lives. But frankly, without legislation to return them to the legal level of fathers that they once had (pre-divorce), it is virtually impossible to work against the tide of the legal system, not even mentioning the vindictiveness of ex-spouses.

Speaking of difficulty in schools with father's gaining access to their children: How about going to your child's school to pick her up because your former wife has been hospitalized only be told by a school administrator that your daughter already had a note from your former wife to go home with a friend. The friend can take your child home but YOU, the father (who has spent all kinds of time in that school helping out), can't because it's "school policy." Talk about paradigms that need to be broken!

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Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.