09/20/2002

Second Opinion about Stay-at-home Parenting

As with most decisions in life, there are often dozens of solutions to life's challenges, depending on the circumstances and people involved. Decisions about the best ways to be a parent definitely fall into the category of, "It depends..." Several parents have written to me about how they juggle parenting with their other commitments. Still others say they have dropped their other commitments to parent full-time. Consider the following thoughtful letter on this subject.

Dear Beth:

I read the One Mom's Decision column. While I agree that day care workers need higher pay and better education, I find the implication that being a stay-at-home mom is automatically better, to be too pat a conclusion, and even a bit insulting. Her situation is working for her, and I'm glad for her and her son. But her perspective is limited. She's speaking from the perspective of four-and-a-half years with one child. Raising two, three or more children in one household to adulthood is quite a different experience than raising one child through the pre-school years.

I found it easy to be "fulfilled" with motherhood when the kids were little, and I had just one or two. Not so when more children came along or when complications like a child's chronic illness or school problems arose. I love my children passionately, but after two years of waking up virtually every night to a child's ear infections or asthma or croup, I was cranky and desperate to be away from them. The writer made the statement: "Even with low adult to child ratios of 5 or 6 to one, it is the child who suffers, when the workers are overworked, tired and not having a good day." With multiple children in the family, stay-at-home moms face those same conditions. I guarantee many, many moms who stay home will have quite a number of times they would consider they were "overworked, tired and not having a good day."

My own mother was at home with 7 children, one with severe Down Syndrome. When was she able to provide one-to-one attention to each of her children? Certainly not during the time that we all, one by one, came down with first one childhood illness, then another, followed immediately by yet another. I bet my mom did not have even one good day during that two months with sick kids. I bet she wasn't feeling too fulfilled either. Maybe when my mom was washing diapers, she got her fulfillment with one of us by her side for some one-to-one instruction on rinsing diapers in the toilet. My sisters and I did not enjoy that one-on-one time, though. I do have very fond memories of family trips, lively dinners and going to the movies as a group.

After I had my second child, the opportunities for one-to-one attention for each child just kind of evaporated. But, in the group time we shared, the kids learned about sharing, cooperation and respect for others. That was emphasized in daycare. One-to-one time is not all a child needs.

I have a relative who just had her 5th child (each conceived on birth control). Her 3rd child died at age 6 months because of severe birth defects. Her husband died 6 months later in a car accident, when she was again pregnant. She remarried a couple years later and they had her 5th child. That couple is divorcing, so she is again a single mom. She is also a stay-at-home mom. She struggles to do her best, but the oldest child is diagnosed with ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder. The second child wonders aloud and often why her sister hates her. The third is a bit afraid of his oldest sister. This family does much, much better when the oldest child is in day care or school.

This stay-at-home mom is not the least fulfilled with motherhood. And her desire to work has much more to do with wanting to feed her children more than the orange juice, eggs, cheese and milk provided by the government than wanting "more of everything and better things." Yes, a unique situation, but each of us is in a unique situation, with our own set of circumstances.

Another mom I know also chose to be a stay-at-home mom to her two children. The financial sacrifice nearly destroyed the family. Her kids got lots of one-to-one attention from their mom. Dad, however, was too exhausted and cranky from the excess work responsibilities to be involved, beyond crabbing constantly that he worked hard to support the family and why couldn't they be more understanding of him? One of the girls just told her mom. "If you want to divorce Dad, I understand." The tension in that household was high throughout the children's growing up years.

Another family I know with a stay-at-home mom did end up divorced, with financial strain playing a major role in the split. She stayed at home for the good of the kids. The divorce and aftermath were extremely hard on the kids. They carried the repercussions into adulthood.

I think women need to stop second-guessing each other, stop making the "my choice is better" type statements implicit in the "One Mom's Decision" piece. There is no one right solution for every family. Each family needs to find what works for them and not be judged by one person's limited experience.

Signed by: A mom who has found career-women critical of my staying home times and stay-at-home moms critical of my working times and tired of the needless nattering of both groups; even worse is the no-kids group who seem to think they know far better than parents how to raise children!

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Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.